I am WORTHY.

So, tonight was a very rough night.  I actually had to go to N's house, sit down, lean on her, and cry my eyes out...for quite a while.  Poor N...she sure does have to put up with a lot, that's for sure. I do believe that's the first time I've cried since that fatal Saturday.  It may not be the first but it is definitely the first *real* cry I've had since then. 

All was going well.  I was handling everything OK....I went in the house...his house...the sterile one...and went to get my scales.  Simple enough, right?  And I found the coupon holders I'd been looking for, too.  So I picked them up...innocent enough, right?  I spent a couple hours in my building, sorting through things that were from my desk at my other office job, things I wanted for the house, and so on and so forth.  I was drenched when I was done...it's really stuffy in there, as I'm sure you could imagine.  I was leaving.  Getting in the car.  And he called.  And accused.  And it went down hill from there.  I will say that I should not have said a lot of the things I said to him...at least not within hearing distance for Anna, who I didn't want to be over there to begin with.  For that reason.  Well, that and a few more.  I can't say I'm sorry for what I said, because it's the truth.  I'm sorry it's the truth, but he made those choices, and so did she (the child).  I did not.  But yet I'm the one who has to live with them.  Their choices.  Pretty much stinks. It's funny, though....the choice they made (severing their ties from mine) would lead you to believe they wanted no further contact with me, right?  But still, the calls and text messages roll.  Mainly from her....mainly. 

I cried and cried and cried after I left.  And it wasn't even because I was mad, like normal.  It was because I was hurting.  Hurting for me, because the man I fell in love with has vanished, and hurting for him, because the "he" I knew vanished, in that place came a cold, steel-eyed, drinking machine...not a person.  I grieve because I have lost the man I thought I knew.  I grieve because I lost the frienship I thought I had.  I grieve because he is miserable, and he doesn't have to be.  I grieve because I have been shattered into a million pieces again and again, and I keep getting knocked down, and then I have to stand back up again.  If there were a buzzer, like in a boxing match, a referee counting, "three....two....one!!!!!"  I do believe that I would get up slower and slower until finally, at least in my mind's eye, I just lay there and cry.  And cry.  And cry some more.  I think that crying because you're hurting, for yourself, for someone else, for both...is far worse than crying when you're mad.  I regret that I was yelling in front of my nanna and my kebble.  My Kebble is angry with me, and that's not at all cool.  He was definitely the grown-up of the bunch last night, and while I am proud of him, that's not cool, either, because I'm supposed to be the one setting the example, but one far from that which happened last night.  My nannababy...she shouldn't have had to hear the yelling.  I'm ashamed of me for my behavior...I should have found the high road and just used it, and never looked back. 

Tonight, I know the answer to the questions I had last night about severing ties.  The ties between the Key family and the Perry family have got to be severed.  There is just no other way around it. The problem is I still have *so much* stuff there in my building, in the garages, in the outbuildings, and I really have nowhere to store those things.  Renting a storage unit is, at least right now, out of the question.  Maybe when my ship comes in.  I guess I"ll just have to use the totes I have, then figure out what to do with the rest.  I hear a MAJOR YARDSALE in my very near future, don't you?  But anyhoo....Anna needs to NOT be around them any more, period.  I instructed my older children to stay away, too, and while there is no question about Katie showing up over there (which will happen when pigs fly), Kevin, my peace keeper...I could see him going...but I wish he would just cut them off as well.

I miss Barb and Carl.  For some reason, especially Carl.  He and I spent so much time together.  SO much time.  And for some reason, I would always touch him.  If he was sitting up, I'd rub is back, if he was laying down, I'd play with his feet.  I haven't seen them in a month and a half or so, but at first, I knew I couldn't go in there with them because I would cry.  Then as time passed, not knowing what they had been told, I didn't want to go and upset them.  I asked the two older kids what they thought about me going, the two who have been so good to me from the beginning, and they both thought it would be fine.  Mark said the same.  Soooo...that all being said, I think I shall go and see them on a day when I can breathe and make sure I can get through the visit without crying.  I'm not sure if I should sever that tie or not...I know they love company, and I love going.  I want to at least go once and tell them thank you for all they've done for me, and for taking care of my children and me as if they were their own.  I want to tell them how much I love them, and that I've missed them.  But I don't want to upset them in any way.  We'll see.  I'm still doing a lot of praying about this.

I went to bed after writing the above, and here I am, on a rainy Thursday morning, trying to hold my eyes open, and get the "repeat" of last night out of my head.  Hard to do.  Why?  Because no matter what, there is still so much love in my heart...and if he doesn't want to be with me (which I will never understand), I just wish he could find happiness...I wish he would *choose* happiness, instead of the life with "friends", beer, and misery.  Why can't he see?  See?  Stuck on repeat.  I'm not being selfish, either.  He chose to cut me out of his life, add his friends and his beer and unhealthy habits.  There's not much I can do...but I pray from the very bottom of my heart that some way, some how, he can turn back into that soft, lovable PaPa Bear/PiePie that I knew and watched enjoy his life.  It's just so sad that he is choosing misery instead.  I grieve for that person  that is gone; it's like a death, only he's still out there walking around.  With my heart in his hands, always....at least to some extent. 

Yesterday, *M* sent me this devotion....could it have been any more perfect if it was supposed to be written for me?  I should think not! 

July 11, 2012

Seeing Adversity from God's Viewpoint

Read | Isaiah 55:8-9

When adversity hits you like a ton of bricks, it could easily throw you into a pit of discouragement and despair. Although you may consider difficulties as setbacks, the Lord sees them as times for great advancement. His purpose for allowing them is not to destroy you but to stimulate your spiritual growth. In His great wisdom, the Lord knows how to take an awful situation and use it to transform you into the image of Christ and equip you to carry out His will.

Every adversity that comes into your life is sifted through God's permissive will. That doesn't mean the difficulty itself is His perfect will, but He's allowed the trial to touch you so that He can use it to accomplish His wonderful purposes for your life. Although some of the suffering we see and experience seems senseless or blatantly evil, we must recognize that we have a very limited perspective and cannot always understand what the Lord is doing.

Our heavenly Father sees every aspect of life, but our view is restricted to what is right before us. His plans include not only you but all of His creation, and they reach from the beginning of time to eternity future. Though we'll never grasp the infinite mind of God, we can know His faithfulness and love.

When you can't understand God's ways, focus on His perfect knowledge, wisdom, and power rather than the magnitude of your sorrow. Remember, He sees the entire picture and loves you more than you can imagine. This is a time to walk by faith, as perfect understanding comes only in heaven.

Today, I have had to take medicine to breathe already, and will likely need more as I am still not breathing well.  I'm at work, though I would rather be at home, in bed....but work is a good diversion, my N said last night, and I know she is right.  I'm so very thankful for her, and for her nearness, physically, because I needed her shoulder, and I soaked it really good, and she let me.  I'm thankful for a job where I feel relaxed, where I fit in, and where the people are nice.  I'm thankful to be back working in an office...this setting is me.  :) 

On a happier note, I took this photo of my desk yesterday, and I thought I would share it.

The house, we made in class.  I love the color combo, the red and white polka dots, and the cloud and the hearts coming out of the chimney.  I had written "Perry" on the door, so I covered it with a little label sticker I had that now says "Welcome".  Works for me.  You can also see my pink princess crown, holding my pens, and behind that is my piggybank...change goes in there for snacks or lunch.  The little bird with the balloons has been picked up in my store numerous times, but then put back down, so it's here, adding cheer to the air...after all, Pooh says NO ONE can be "uncheered" by a balloon!  :)

Happy Day Before Friday!