Today, this happened to me.....and I wrote it all out in a text, but then, I didn't send it. Probably because I didn't want to show my vulnerability to him. Probably because he doesn't need to know my thoughts; after all, it won't change things. But I needed to write it. I wasn't going to share it, but since the conversation happened on facebook today, it fit, and I thought this was a good place to put it.
"So, I'm just going along with my day, minding my own business, unpacking boxes, and then I hear it: Willie. Toby. Luther. But all I can hear is your voice. All I can see is how you love that song, and you always smile when you hear it...I can see us in the car, turning up the radio, smiling, laughing, enjoying life together, and I end up on my knees, on the floor, uncontrolably sobbing, crying because my heart is breaking all over again as I relive those happy times with you, and know that there are no more of those to come. THe pain is almost physical, it hurts so bad, and I wonder if there will ever come a time that I can have those memories without melting into a puddle of tears, and I think the answer is no. I wonder if that eer happens to you, you miss me being there, but I think the answer is no. I wonder if you kept my picture, or if you threw it away. I wonder if you think about what's for supper, and then remember I'm not there. I wonder if you miss my cooking, the concoctions that I come up with, just by digging in the pantry. I wonder if you ever get lonely at night, if you roll over to put your arm around me, only to discover, once again, that I am not there. Do you miss me scratching your back? Who will cut your hair? Did I ever matter? Did you fall out of love with me, as you said, because I'm not a cute little girl any more? So many pople have said that to me. Your friends. My friends. The house is empty, and I can see and feel you wiping me away with every brushstroke as you repaint the house, covering the layer of "Abby" so as to move on, not remember. Did you make me leave because the house wasn't empty, the walls plain? How can you watch Big Bang wihtout me being beside you? How can you not remember me? All of this is swirling around in my head at once, but above all, I just wonder if you have a little compartment in your steel box labeled "Abby" and your brain involuntarily digs that compartment out and remembers. Do you remember? Did you keep that photo? Do you wish you had one? Do you wish you had your wedding ring, or did you really put no thought into the fact that it came here, with me, in my jewelry box? Just for sentimental reasons...do you wish you had it? I doubt. Do you miss me? I will always wonder...and ache for the "us" that is no longer."
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