This is me...being mad.

Did you know that "mad" is a lot easier than "sad"?  Such a big difference...and only one letter changed, such a small difference.  I won't go into details, but PiePie made me MAD yesterday.  And I am very thankful; my eyes are raw from all the crying and wiping.  I don't like laying in bed all day as if there were a gigantic magnet keeping me there when my brain knows I need to be up and doing things.  There are a lot of things that I don't like about "sad", but you get the drift.  I'm not saying "mad" is a magical cure.  There are still moments...memories as I unpack the boxes, the stuff, the Valentine's Day card I had on my dresser, the photos, thoughts...and I'm sure there will be more tears in the future here and there.  But for now, I am mad, and it fuels my fire...the one that says I can do anything, that I can succeed no matter what, that says I'm made of tougher stuff than all that crybaby girl that was curled up in a ball in bed and couldn't get out of it...and so for now, I will stay mad.  Mad at him, which I know I have to let go of, but just mad at the situation and the turn that my life has made, the work I will have to do, the unfinished things that I'll never get to finish, just mad. 

The Wonder Woman Abby who can do ANYTHING she puts her mind to is back.  The stubborness that can be both a blessing and a curse?  I'm choosing to use it as a blessing this time...I CAN do this without him; I don't need him.  I have people who take care of me, who help me, who encourage me, who love me and pray for me.  And they always seem to pop into my day at just the right time...they aren't going to stop now!

 I am proud to say that there were no tears yesterday or today.  There was no need to take medicine to breathe like I have been having to do.  The stuff stuck on repeat in my head that I've written about...guess what?  I think the continuous player needs new batteries or something...because it quit playing all those continuous thoughts. 

The forlorn feeling I had when I looked at this house that is not mine went away, and I became determined to Abby-ize it...make it happy and joyful...bright and inviting.  Comfortable and relaxing. After all, it IS what I wished for, many times over. And after yesterday and all the moving of the furniture enabled me to start going through boxes and putting things in the rooms where they belong, on the shelves where they belong, in the closet with they belong.  You get the drift.  Let me just say this:  We worked our tails off yesterday!!!  This house is slowly but surely becoming MY house. I have a great start...we picked up the washer and dryer, but we have to change out the plug for the dryer. We picked up my perfectly ugly couch and chair. I'll show you photos tomorrow. We put sheets on the beds, we moved them, the dressers that go with them...Katie made us supper, and now our home seems "real". Kate stayed all day, and Kevin came to "hang out" with Alexis and Anna came, too. We move boxes, moved them again, and moved them again!

So this is me...being determined.  Determined to make my house a home.  Determined to learn the new job and learn it well.  Determined to have a future.  Determined to succeed.  Determined to smile. Determined to live a happy life.  Determined not to have thoughts that make me sad.  Determined to persevere.  I know I can do it...and I've had a lot of help with that...a lot of support and reminders that I am stubborn and determined and to snap out of it and MAKE this my life.  I can.  I will.  Thank you, friends. 

I will sign off now as I am trying to hold my eyes open...I've had no concept of time.  No job.  Nowhere to go.  I keep asking what day it is, and I don't think I've looked at the time all day.  I was too busy.  But my sleepy eyes are telling me it is BED time. 

I'll give you a bit of a teaser....here is a photo of my house that now has a very used bench on the porch, whose door will be red just any day now...and tomorrow, I'll share some of the inside!