Today = not so good.
The disciplinarian at the middle school said to me that something was "off" with one of our children when I spoke with him the last week of school. He wasn't sure what it was, or why, but he felt that something was just "off". He couldn't put his finger on it, he said, but something was not the way it should be. When I explained to him the situation at hand, he proclaimed something to the extent of, "I knew there was *something*!!!" almost as if to convince himself he really had not gone crazy...he was right, even though he didn't know why. You know that feeling, right? I know I do.
Today, I am having a not-so-good day, and I can't put my finger on why. I really can't. Out of the mouth of my ever-wise father: "Some days are just like that." Still doesn't make the day any better when you're the one not having a good one. My stomach hurts. I can't concentrate. I want to sleep. I didn't sleep last night, which must be multiplying the intensity of the "bad day" I'm having. I've thought about *him* entirely too much today. Again, I don't know particularly why. And if I were to be honest, no matter how "right" I know it is in my head that I will be better off, as everyone tells me, I can't make my heart believe it. And my heart aches.
You know how when you have been out in the bright, bright sun, and you go inside, and everything seems really dark? That's the way my world seems these days. Dark. Overshadowed. I wake in the morning, and my stomach tells my mind something isn't right; not normal. I don't belong in that bed, in that room, with no one beside me...so how did I get there? The day looms ahead...long, overshadowed hours to fill before I can return to the comfort and safety of my own home, my own dog, my own kids...my own four walls where I don't have to smile if I don't feel like it, and I don't have to concentrate on anything in particular. I can just sort of sit there, staring into space, thinking of nothing and everything all at once, and just be.
Now, "just being" is not the most favorable way to fill one's afternoon, evening, day, or week....preferably, "just being" isn't even a good way to spend an hour...unless you are "just being" with someone else, too. "Just being" has not gotten my boxes unpacked, nor has it gotten my laundry done. It is not a state of mind that is particularly healthy or wise, but one that we end up being in by no choice of our own. To be honest, "just being" is really pretty scary.
I know that I have any number of folks I can call, show up on their doorstep, invite over, ask questions, watch a movie with....the list goes on and on....but when the one person in the world you committed your love and devotion to doesn't want to spend his love and devotion being with you...well, let's just call it a blow to the ole ego. I ache. Ache to sit by him. Ache to feel secure. Ache to know that someone is going to be there when I get home, someone who loves me, just the way I am, who is looking for me to come home, too, for the same reasons. And then I ache extra because my brain remembers what my heart doesn't: there is no one at home who is waiting on me. No one to ask about my day. No one to sit beside, to smile at, to kiss hello, to "just be" in the healthy way that "just being" can be when two people are "just being" together. I ache because there is no one to curl up next to at night, no one who will let me stick my cold feet on their warm leg, no one's arm for me to loop mine through, no one to enjoy the last few minutes of the day with, before dozing off to Never Never Land.
While it seems a bit cliche to say so, the value of having children one has to take care of cannot be discounted. If it were not for the three best surprises of my life, I couldn't tell you where I would be. Couldn't tell you who I would be. What I would be. They make me who I am. They make me better. They make me a better person, they make me feel better, they make me want to be the best at what I do, because it is for them that I do what I do. They are at the center of my world, the center of my activities, my habits, my moods, my feelings, my thoughts....and one of them likes to be in the center of my bed, too. :) I do believe that tonight, I will see to it that my little Lucy Loo be wedged right up underneath me, just for a bit of extra love so as to insure good, sound sleep tonight, and start the day off on the right foot tomorrow.
No comments:
Post a Comment