How do you just turn it off?

How do you sever ties?  Where is the "off" switch?  Where's the middle of the road...the line is blurry?!?  If things are black and white, how come it all seems grey?  Where does the road go?  Does it end abruptly with a "dead end" sign?  I should think it doesn't, for certainly, if it did, by now I would have gotten there, wouldn't I?  Instead, it seems like the roadsigns say things like dangerous curve ahead...or maybe, it would be nice if there *was* that warning...we could prepare ourselves for it, maybe?  But how do you prepare?  How do you take two lives that have meshed into one, and just cut them apart?  What's his?  What's mine?  What do you do with the things that were "ours"?  For instance, Anna became "ours".  She was just three when PiePie came into her life. Three.  It's what she knows...he was her...um...."other dad", if you will.  To our other children, even Makayla, we were Mark and Abby.  But Anna was young enough that I wanted her to show more respect than to just call him "Mark" and she chose his name by accident, and it stuck.  He became "Mr. PiePie", later to be shortened just to "PiePie"  or a lot of the time it was "MY PiePie".  My PiePie did this with me, or that is My PiePie....it had personality, and it fit.  For some reason, "step" bothered me...to me, that portrays something that is not as...um...close?...I dunno...not the same as being "My PiePie".  I'll just leave it at that.  And, Her PiePie had a name for her...when she was at his house, 99% of the time, she was "Sally Sue Perry".  Why?  Who knows.  But it stuck, and it was a term of affection, and it fit.  Sally Sue and PiePie spent a lot of time together.  She would crawl on him like a jungle gym, nad he would play with her, laughing with his crinkly eyes.  She learned that if she got right up next to him and blew in his ear, it would send him into fits and he couldn't be still.  She would threaten him with kisses....and he would let her kiss his head or his cheek and then either laugh to say, "Ewwwww!"  And life was good.  They took care of the dogs together, they worked in the garage together, she learned about chickens from him; they would study her chicken book he bought for her from Cracker Barrel every night, and he would patiently tell her the names of the  chickens over and over again.  She looked up to this man, Her PiePie, with adoration and love...the kind of love and adoration that a child has...so innocent, so carefree, so happy...and now, so broken.  Her poor little six-year-old brain will remember this.  The confusion.  The hurt.  The tears.  Driving by his house, the house that used to be ours, and not stopping, but morbid curiosity makes you look...Are they home?  What are they doing?  Wonder how everything is?  Are the tomatoes ripe yet?  I wonder if the hummingbirds ever came this year?  Where's Flicka?  Can I stop and give PiePie a hug, Mom?  And then can I talk to Flicka?  And how am I supposed to tell her no?  How do I explain when she asks me why we can't live there any more, especially when I'm not sure why that is myself.  I don't understand it any more than she does.  I understand what he tells people, but it does not match the perception that I had of our relationship at all.  Today was an extra hard day for Anna.  She missed her PiePie really bad, and she really wanted to stop and talk to her horse.  Lucky for me, I had decided to stop and get a few fish for our tank and surprise her with them, so that got her mind off of it, mostly.  My heart breaks for her; it makes me physically sick to think about her wondering why things are the way the are...how they got that way....and from her innocent perspective, it just makes no sense to her at all.  I think if she were to go there now, and go inside, she would be even more upset.  The walls are all different colors.  The house is empty.  It's changed.  The essence isn't that of a home any more, but more of an institution.  There's no love pouring out the door when you walk in; nothing is the same.  I don't want her to see it like that, and then remember that.  I want her to remember the home that it was to her.  I want her to remember the happiness that she had while she lived at "Perry's Paradise".  But instead, she cries because she does not understand, and she misses her PiePie.  She tries to be brave, I know she does, but some days are just harder for her than others, and today was one of those days.  Those days break me.  They break me into a lot of little tiny pieces that I wonder if they are even fixable....I ache for my baby so badly.  And I can't fix it. And worse...I was what got us into this situation...and there's nothing I can do about it now. Then I wonder....should I let her stop and see him, give him a hug, talk to him?  Would that just bother him?  Is it better to just sever the ties completely?  Am I drepriving her of a relationship with this man she adores by not allowing her to see him?  I suppose I'm just thinking that at some point, the "out of sight, out of mind" rule will play into all of this, and onward we will go into a future that only God knows what's next.  So tonight as I got to bed, you can just imagine the prayers I will be praying with my heavy, tired heart, prayers of healing and of love, and prayers to make the right/best decisions for my baby.  Prayers to help me find a way to take as much of the hurt away as possible.  And whil I pray, I will wrap her snuggly little body right next to mine and enjoy her company all night long, and then, tomorrow will be here....the first day of the REST of our lives.  We better live it well!

Anna and PiePie would have "Perry Face" stare downs, and she would go nose to nose with him just like it was nothing.  That's her "Show me your PERRY face" there. 

 Just like with people, it's hard to know what to do with things like the animals.  I know that Harley was Marks before I came, but then I bought Emma to play with Harley, but yet, I couldn't bring myself to separate them when I moved out....so Mark got the dog custody.  I miss watching their antics and playing with them.  I don't miss tripping over them, though, to be honest.

 This was a good day...a day of good company, fun painting, good food, a fun drive to and from, and something to show for it when we were finished.  I loved that he would draw with me, and that he would paint with me.  I miss that so badly.

So yes, how DO you sever ties?  How do you split up a life?  How do you turn it off, especially when you're only six and he is your hero?  I guess you offer lots of tender love and care, fun activities to keep the mind off of the bad stuff, and pray that in time, this, too, shall pass.