So, last night was the night of the first big cook-out at the Perry residence since my disposal. I have several feelings about this, and I don't know if I can make them make sense, but I'm going to try.
First, one of the things that I loved about Mark in the beginning was that he welcomed people to his home, had a lot of friends, and was around people a lot. You have to remember, I was married to Mr. Uber Quiet, so this was a complete 360 from what I was used to, and I am a people person. (Or so I thought.
It didn't take me long to figure out that cookouts really weren't that great. It was costly, and took a lot of time to prepare for, and then even more to clean up. And....I had to spend all that time with people I didn't know, and really didn't have anything in common with. They started late, and ended even later....like in the middle of the night, when I should have been sleeping. The thing I think I hated the most is that he was happy with all of his friends around, but he forgot I was there. I am not a needy person, nor am I one that is all about PDA's. But really...you could remember I'm alive and that would be nice. I told him this over and over..."you ignore me"..."you forget I'm around"...etc, but it never sunk in. I was rarely, if ever, consulted about having one....if I was lucky, I would be told we were before someone else sent me a text and asked me what to bring to the cookout being held at my house that I didn't know about. So, yeah, it was a bitter spot for sure. His cookouts were to me, I suppose, like my store was to him. I didn't want to *never* have a cookout, but every weekend, or even every other weekend was a bit much in my books. I'm not home much, so when I am, I like to sit down and relax...not cook for and clean up after 75 people. I liked it when it was just the normal crew...about 10 of us, sitting around, "chewing the fat". But I didn't care one bit for the huge ones that lasted half the night. The longer I was there, though, the more familly-friendly they became and it was fun to see the kids show up with their kids, playing and having a good time. I liked having family dinners, with just the kids and grandkids...those were normally always planned with my prompting, not his. I guess now that I'm gone, it will be "Party City" again at 189 Rock House.
Since I just told you how much I didn't really like the cookouts, you would think I would be glad that I was able to be at home, by myself, last night....not partaking the "fun" that the now-tainted "Perry's Paradise" puts on. And yeah, on some level, I am relieved I wasn't there, but then, on the other hand, my heart is screaming at me..."BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE!!!!" "That's YOUR house and YOU BELONG THERE!!!!!" But really, really I don't. We all know this...right? But my silly little heart...it hasn't gotten the message. Neither has my pride. Boy, does it sting. Knowing his girls "got their way" when I left, that everyone was right when I swore they were wrong....yeah....that's pretty much a blow to my pride. And I really can't tell you why I care. That's the sad part. I guess it's a prime example of one wanting to have their cake and eat it too. Pride....it's not always the best thing to have. Especially when it stings. But this, too, shall pass....and I am on to bigger and better and brighter things, with people that I have a lot more in common with. Sure, they became my friends, too, on some level, and I will miss them, but life goes on...they will have their cookouts and hourseshoes and beer, and I will read a book, do some chatting with someone on the other side of the country that i have things in common with, and spend time with my children, and get to bed at a decent hour.
My mind says that I need to tell my heart to remember that THIS is my house now, and THIS is where I belong...on Pleasant Grove Road, in my little white house, made especially for me. THIS is a place where MY friends can come, people that I have things in common with, people that have fun without alcohol being involved, people that have fun bringing their kids, their family, and eating ice cream cones at the park. THAT is where this girl belongs...right? RIGHT!
I'm sure there will be other things that happen, things that are said, I dunno, that will sting here and there. I'm sure there will be instances that are awkward when I run into people I know from "Volume Two"...but it's nothing this girl can't handle...and so onward I will go, looking forward, not back, excited about a bright and promising future, not sad about a past that couldn't be what it needed to be. I'll stick with this quote: Fall down seven times, stand up eight. I shall continue to stand.
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