I know I said I probably wouldn't write a post today, but there's been something on my mind a lot lately, and I thought maybe I could figure it out, come to a conclusion, or something. There is something I do now, in Volume Three of my life, that I have never done before. Ever. I come home to an empty house. There is no one waiting for me when I get here, no one to know whether I am here, or whether I am not here. No one asking what is for supper, to tell about my day, to look forward to...just me. I'm not sure how I feel about this, to be honest.
The first thought that went through my head, the first words out of my mouth to my friend, A, after knowing that my relationship with Mark was over, for good...for real, were this: "I've been married since I was 16!!!! I can't do this!!!" I was scared to death, terrified. And that's putting it very mildly. Being married at 16, I'm sure you have deducted that I moved out of my parents' house into a house with my husband. And he and I made our way in this world, together, somehow. We did it. We were a teenage pregnancy with nothing to our names, but we did it. We had reliable cars, we had a place to live, a little spot of land to call our own, and our very own house. We went out to eat most Friday nights, even, and still found our way through the road life took us on. It was scary, and it wasn't easy, but we did it. But we were together. "Together" isn't a place I could be now, here on my own, looking for a place to call home, praying for a money tree to grow in my yard, moving box after box after box, accepting help from friends, because that's what friends are for in times like this. My mind often goes back to that day at Wal Mart, so many years ago, where I felt so small and so alone in such a great big world, only this time, I as alone, with nothing to my name except three kids, a car, and less than $200. No house. No place to live. Nowhere to go. No one to know what I did or didn't do. What to do??? I figure there are about two choices at this point. The first choice is to do what you feel like doing, and curl up in a ball and just let life go on around you, hiding from it, or the second choice is to look life in the eye and commit to beating the odds, commit to making it work, some way, some how.
You are probably wondering where the kids are, since I said I come home alone. Katie is always at work or school. Always. Kevin I see less of than I do Katie. They are grown, now, for the most part, which leaves me with my little Nanna. What a precious gift from God all three of my children have been and will continue to be...He is good...He knew just what I needed. I always call on my way home to see what Anna is doing, and if she wants to come over, but usually, she is busy playing, and doesn't want to interrupt her play time to see me. Usually. Other times, she's waiting with bells on for me to get there to her as quickly as possible. She soothes me, calms me, I'm so lucky to call her mine. I try to accomodate her wishes on where she is staying...it keeps her happy, and so we're all happy. So, sometimes I am not alone...and that's always good.
When I am alone, I am normally not lonely. I keep busy, and after 3 years of hearing the Western channel blaring from the TV 24 hours a day, the silence is welcomed. I do have Leo, and thankfully, he is a lap dog and is very good company. God knew I needed him, and helped make it possible in many ways for me to be able to keep him.
Maybe I'll get used to it, to coming home to an empty house, not having to rush to get there...I'm not really sure. I guess old habits die hard.
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