This is me...staying afloat.

In many ways, the emptier it gets in here, the less "Abby-fied" it is, the easier it is to let go...it's not a home anymore.  It's just a house.  In other ways, I want to walk in and scream, because it looks like we've been robbed.  There's nothing here.  It's empty.  It's not only empty of things, but more importantly, it is empty of love, and that makes me so very sad.  My security has been taken away; the only "secure" I have right now, is that I'm breathing...which is always a good thing.  But I want my security back.  I don't want temporary. I don't want to rent a house, knowing that at some point, I will have to move all of my things, again.  And I know I'm worrying about stuff that is dumb.  I'm well aware of it, even.  But I can't help it. Security makes life's road such an easier one to travel!

I distinctly remember the day I went to Wal Mart, by myself, no kids, no Jason.  Just me.  I was probably 18 at the time.  When I walked in, I remember having the cart, and just standing there in the middle of the aisle thinking how small and alone I felt.  I felt that way today; had that memory, that feeling of "small"and "all alone".  I stayed in bed most of the day..it all seems like such a huge task, I cannot see the trees, all I can see is the forest.  The good news is that I can finish gathering my things tonight and in the morning, and be on my way.  I will still have to come and clean out my closet, but I can do that next week, while he is at work.  It's easier that way. 

I feel alone, so small, so ...inadequate, maybe.  And while I feel so alone, with all this hugeness of "stuff" I have to do, if I can get my wits about me, I can remind myself that there are hundreds of people who are thinking about me from across the world (Hello, Ginou!), and those who live around the corner (Hello, Nycole!), and those who would drop anything at a moment's notice to help, let me cry, love me (Hello, Alicia!), those who listen to my thoughts, uncensored, (Hi, Miranda!).  There are others...I could never name them all...Keshia, Heather(s), Annie, who have supported me, and who are watching out for me.  There are notes of prayer, there are notes of encouragement, there are notes of love, there are quotes (I love quotes!), the list goes on and on, and then I remember, no matter how small I feel, how insignificant my actions and needs seem, they have been addressed by the people who have rallied around me and helped me get on my feet. 

This is the part where I get to talk about being afloat.  You've seen Crocodile Dundee, right?  Do you remember the scene where they are in a subway station, and he is trying to get to her, and starts walking over the people, who end up helping him by "passing" him along, until he gets there?  In my imagination, that is what my friends, those of you reading this, have done for me.  You've lifted me up, kept me afloat, told me how I am strong, and probably best of all, you really BELIEVE in me, even when I am doubtful of myself. 

Over the last two weeks, I have been uprooted and for the first time in my 36 years, it will just be me.  Single.  So strange.  I wonder how long I will feel for my rings, then remembering they are not there.  I hope not long, but I figure quite a while.  ANYWAYS....I went from sitting in the closet on the floor, crying my eyes out, no job, no place to live, no nothing.  No gumption, worst of all.  If one isn't going to help herself, why would others want to help her?...to a job, a house, and the prospect of a new adventure right in front of me.  My friends, as I've said, have rallied, they've picked me up and carried me when I haven't had the energy to carry myself.  I've come up with every need I've had this far, and at the moment, the only thing I think I'm missing is a set of bowls with lids, and a telephone to hook up at the house.  Previous needs:  washer.  check.  drier. check. microwave.  check.  furniture.  check.  And so I will continue to persevere and hopefully, my testimony, if you will, can be useful to someone else somehow along the way. 

Tomorrow will be the day; the move-in day.  All of my things are there, but where do they go?  Do I put this here, or that there?  How many miniblinds do I need, and what sizes?  (Gotta get those asap.)  Anna is excited that we have our barnyard shower curtain to hang in the bathroom, and that she is going to have a new, pink bed.  I have no idea what I'm going to do for bedding in my room, but I'm sure as I unpack, I'll run across something suitable for a comfortor...I found sheets in my building...unmatching, yes.  :)

 I'm looking forward to making this tiny little house our home, home that we can come to after work and relax.  Home that we are comfortable, and our security is intact.  I want to turn on my lamp, sit all cozied up, and read a book.  I've been arranging all the furniture in my mind...do I want this here, or there?  If I put this here, then what does that go?  And so on, and this excites me, in a bittersweet sort of way.  I know I will be OK...and when I get settled, I'll be better.  Right now, I just see such a big task and I just freeze up and can't do it.  Good thing my "can do it" friend will be there to jump right in with me, as well as y

The trick is going to be settling before Thursday, as that is the day that I start my new job.   I will meet new people in a different town.  I will learn new things, I will do something I've never done before, but it's customer service and computers, so I should be good.  I just hope I can concentrate enuough on the task at hand to learn it, to remember it, to do the job, and do the job well.  I'm looking forward to that new start, but if I were honest, I'd say I'm a little worried, too.  Can I muster a smile when I look at someone and shake their hand as I am introduced for the first time?  Can my brain be less foggy so that it can hold all the new information?  It seems so big...but I figure if I can teach myself how to get a group of men traveling around the world, handing out Bibles with no help from anyone, this should be a piece of cake, especially since I know my teacher, and she is gentle and loving and kind, and only wants the best for me.  Another "need" met.