This is me...introducing the letter "E"

Today's blog post is brought to you by the letter "Ee".

 

*Today, I feel exhausted.  I feel tired and ache-y.  I feel like I have spent so much physical and emotional energy in the last month-ish that I should be laying in the floor in a puddle.  I want to remember where things are.  I want to quit looking at boxes, boxes everywhere.  I want to know what to do with the things I don't have room for, need, and can't part with...I have pared way down, believe it or not, peeps.  I want to quit moving the same things around from here to there, back to here and then to there again.  I want to wave my magic wand and make everything fall into place..."bibitty bobitty boo!!!" I also feel somewhat accomplished because I feel exhausted....because if I am indeed exhausted, then wouldn't it be because I was doing *something*...and I should feel good about what I accomplished to get to that state.  (Am I making sense here to anyone but me?  Read what I mean, not what I say.)  It's funny, because you would think that being exhausted would allow one to "have a good sleep" as my Nanna Lucy would say, yet sleep eludes me.  What am I running on, then?  Where does this boundless energy come from?  Could it perhaps be that I am strong...strong like my friends and family have told me?  I will choose to believe that they are right.  I am determined.  And I can't get to my destination if I'm not strong enough to endure the path that takes me there.  Yes, I am strong.

*The letter "Ee" is also used to spell enthusiastic.  One of my all-time favorite quotes, at least in the top three if not the favorite is this:  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  Tomorrow is a large part of my new life...it is the day I start working at my new job.  I am excited to meet new friends, to use my brain to learn something new, to talk to people, help people.  I am excited that this is a new beginning for me, and this job can be whatever I choose to make it be...and I choose to make it exciting.  I will say this:  I have been dreading having to go to work over the last couple of weeks or so...because I really didn't think that I had the energy or the brain capacity to learn something new, to meet new people and smile, to not be so sad that they see it, just as if I have the words "I'm sad." tattooed on my forehead.  Thankfully, "sad" turned into "mad", as we all know, and "mad" fuels enthusiasm.  So  yes, I am excited about this new road I will be heading down, because it is an opportunity for me in so many ways. 

So there you have it, friends...my feelings and thoughts and insecurities all spilled out, right in front of you...but I do believe they have progressed towards "happy" as I continue each day to fight the urge to be sad...and I feel like they show that I've healed so very much so very quickly in the last weekish, even though things are not yet all the way over the top on the "happy" meter...it's progress, and I'll take it. 

I have to share a photo...just because I think blog posts should have eye candy.  This was yesterday, the photo I wanted to share that wasn't there.  This was the perfect ending to the perfect day.  Ice cream cones on the porch, chatting, and then playing at the park for a while.  I just love those kids.  Love 'em to pieces. 

This is me, on "Perfectly Ugly".

Yes, perfectly ugly.  Delightfully ugly.  And oh, so very MINE!!!  I have the best friends a girl could ask for, and two of them were bound and determined to find *something* for us to sit on in the living room, and preferably something we liked, and better yet, something that would have the price tag of "next to nothing".  As they were walking out of the furniture store with all of the new, high-priced furniture, the man stopped them, and they explained what they were doing and why, and he told them he might have just the perfect thing.  He showed them a couch that would do...but for what it was, it still had a high price, and it wasn't spectacular, so they passed.  As they were on their way out the door the 2nd time, they were stopped again...and *that*, dear reader, is when they angels sang....ahhhhhhhh......and the light shone down on the Perfectly Perfect Just For Abby spectacularly ugly in every way couch and chair.  And with just the right price.  It couldn't have been special-ordered to suit me any more...but this teaser will have to do for now, until I get the living room as I want it to share with you. 

Today was a good day, and it finished off just right with nachos made by yours truly, piled high with pico and sour cream and olives and cheese and meat and...well, that may be all.  But you get the picture.  That was topped off with Cherry Chip ice cream cones and a walk across the street to the park with the boys, Katie, and her "boy", Leo, and Nycole and I. 

There's nothing much better than girlfriend time, and I've been able to have my fair share of it lately, thankfully.  Tonight, we chatted until the boys fell asleep, Katie left to go to bed, and then we chatted some more.  Sat on the porch (I love my porch!), used my bench I found last year while yardsaling with Barb, before "The Fall" and broke it in good and proper...sat there until 2:30 solving the problems of the world.  It's good to have friends like that...the kind that know what you mean, even if it's not what you say. 

I'm staying here tomorrow to work on the house some more...it seems I've done a lot of everything except getting settled while I've been off...but the necessities are coming along nicely, and the rest I'll work on in the evenings as I have time...not gonna stress over it....gonna enjoy it instead.  I've had enough stress lately, doncha think?

Happy Fourth, friends!

This is me...feeling somewhat accomplished.

So, I've tackled this huge and overwhelming process by concentraining on one room at a time as best as I could.  The kitchen's pretty much done, until I get blinds and curtains.  That'll be for another day.  Bathroom...check.  That'll be for another day, too.  I was so excited last night when I went to bed because I got all the boxes and stacks in my bedroom organized, and in some form of a home.  I will rearrange things in drawers and such, but still...organized.  Oh-and I got the bed painted and the boys put it up for me.  Wanna see?

Yup, nice and colorful, mismatched, and mine, all mine.  Color me happy!  (No pun intended.)

And here is my cozy spot:

To the left of the little square table is a window, then my bed.  I have a nice, open space in the middle of my room, and plenty of light...there's another window on the other wall.  My dresser takes up the other wall, sharing it with the closet.  Nothing fancy going on over there, so not really a reason to share a pic of it.  I'm sure after today, all the shelves will be full, and I'll be looking for more room, so I'm trying to be choosy about what I put up and put away.  Love my books. 

Alright...lots to do today.  Electric office.  Water office.  Bedroom at Mark's.  Clean the store.  Class tonight.  Get up and get started tomorrow and do it all over again.  Determined to ready for work on Thursday with a house that is put together, without halfway-unloaded boxes here and there that I don't know what to do with.  All that stuff has to find a home between now and then.  Period.

This is me....persevering....have a happy Monday!

This is me...being mad.

Did you know that "mad" is a lot easier than "sad"?  Such a big difference...and only one letter changed, such a small difference.  I won't go into details, but PiePie made me MAD yesterday.  And I am very thankful; my eyes are raw from all the crying and wiping.  I don't like laying in bed all day as if there were a gigantic magnet keeping me there when my brain knows I need to be up and doing things.  There are a lot of things that I don't like about "sad", but you get the drift.  I'm not saying "mad" is a magical cure.  There are still moments...memories as I unpack the boxes, the stuff, the Valentine's Day card I had on my dresser, the photos, thoughts...and I'm sure there will be more tears in the future here and there.  But for now, I am mad, and it fuels my fire...the one that says I can do anything, that I can succeed no matter what, that says I'm made of tougher stuff than all that crybaby girl that was curled up in a ball in bed and couldn't get out of it...and so for now, I will stay mad.  Mad at him, which I know I have to let go of, but just mad at the situation and the turn that my life has made, the work I will have to do, the unfinished things that I'll never get to finish, just mad. 

The Wonder Woman Abby who can do ANYTHING she puts her mind to is back.  The stubborness that can be both a blessing and a curse?  I'm choosing to use it as a blessing this time...I CAN do this without him; I don't need him.  I have people who take care of me, who help me, who encourage me, who love me and pray for me.  And they always seem to pop into my day at just the right time...they aren't going to stop now!

 I am proud to say that there were no tears yesterday or today.  There was no need to take medicine to breathe like I have been having to do.  The stuff stuck on repeat in my head that I've written about...guess what?  I think the continuous player needs new batteries or something...because it quit playing all those continuous thoughts. 

The forlorn feeling I had when I looked at this house that is not mine went away, and I became determined to Abby-ize it...make it happy and joyful...bright and inviting.  Comfortable and relaxing. After all, it IS what I wished for, many times over. And after yesterday and all the moving of the furniture enabled me to start going through boxes and putting things in the rooms where they belong, on the shelves where they belong, in the closet with they belong.  You get the drift.  Let me just say this:  We worked our tails off yesterday!!!  This house is slowly but surely becoming MY house. I have a great start...we picked up the washer and dryer, but we have to change out the plug for the dryer. We picked up my perfectly ugly couch and chair. I'll show you photos tomorrow. We put sheets on the beds, we moved them, the dressers that go with them...Katie made us supper, and now our home seems "real". Kate stayed all day, and Kevin came to "hang out" with Alexis and Anna came, too. We move boxes, moved them again, and moved them again!

So this is me...being determined.  Determined to make my house a home.  Determined to learn the new job and learn it well.  Determined to have a future.  Determined to succeed.  Determined to smile. Determined to live a happy life.  Determined not to have thoughts that make me sad.  Determined to persevere.  I know I can do it...and I've had a lot of help with that...a lot of support and reminders that I am stubborn and determined and to snap out of it and MAKE this my life.  I can.  I will.  Thank you, friends. 

I will sign off now as I am trying to hold my eyes open...I've had no concept of time.  No job.  Nowhere to go.  I keep asking what day it is, and I don't think I've looked at the time all day.  I was too busy.  But my sleepy eyes are telling me it is BED time. 

I'll give you a bit of a teaser....here is a photo of my house that now has a very used bench on the porch, whose door will be red just any day now...and tomorrow, I'll share some of the inside!

This is me...staying afloat.

In many ways, the emptier it gets in here, the less "Abby-fied" it is, the easier it is to let go...it's not a home anymore.  It's just a house.  In other ways, I want to walk in and scream, because it looks like we've been robbed.  There's nothing here.  It's empty.  It's not only empty of things, but more importantly, it is empty of love, and that makes me so very sad.  My security has been taken away; the only "secure" I have right now, is that I'm breathing...which is always a good thing.  But I want my security back.  I don't want temporary. I don't want to rent a house, knowing that at some point, I will have to move all of my things, again.  And I know I'm worrying about stuff that is dumb.  I'm well aware of it, even.  But I can't help it. Security makes life's road such an easier one to travel!

I distinctly remember the day I went to Wal Mart, by myself, no kids, no Jason.  Just me.  I was probably 18 at the time.  When I walked in, I remember having the cart, and just standing there in the middle of the aisle thinking how small and alone I felt.  I felt that way today; had that memory, that feeling of "small"and "all alone".  I stayed in bed most of the day..it all seems like such a huge task, I cannot see the trees, all I can see is the forest.  The good news is that I can finish gathering my things tonight and in the morning, and be on my way.  I will still have to come and clean out my closet, but I can do that next week, while he is at work.  It's easier that way. 

I feel alone, so small, so ...inadequate, maybe.  And while I feel so alone, with all this hugeness of "stuff" I have to do, if I can get my wits about me, I can remind myself that there are hundreds of people who are thinking about me from across the world (Hello, Ginou!), and those who live around the corner (Hello, Nycole!), and those who would drop anything at a moment's notice to help, let me cry, love me (Hello, Alicia!), those who listen to my thoughts, uncensored, (Hi, Miranda!).  There are others...I could never name them all...Keshia, Heather(s), Annie, who have supported me, and who are watching out for me.  There are notes of prayer, there are notes of encouragement, there are notes of love, there are quotes (I love quotes!), the list goes on and on, and then I remember, no matter how small I feel, how insignificant my actions and needs seem, they have been addressed by the people who have rallied around me and helped me get on my feet. 

This is the part where I get to talk about being afloat.  You've seen Crocodile Dundee, right?  Do you remember the scene where they are in a subway station, and he is trying to get to her, and starts walking over the people, who end up helping him by "passing" him along, until he gets there?  In my imagination, that is what my friends, those of you reading this, have done for me.  You've lifted me up, kept me afloat, told me how I am strong, and probably best of all, you really BELIEVE in me, even when I am doubtful of myself. 

Over the last two weeks, I have been uprooted and for the first time in my 36 years, it will just be me.  Single.  So strange.  I wonder how long I will feel for my rings, then remembering they are not there.  I hope not long, but I figure quite a while.  ANYWAYS....I went from sitting in the closet on the floor, crying my eyes out, no job, no place to live, no nothing.  No gumption, worst of all.  If one isn't going to help herself, why would others want to help her?...to a job, a house, and the prospect of a new adventure right in front of me.  My friends, as I've said, have rallied, they've picked me up and carried me when I haven't had the energy to carry myself.  I've come up with every need I've had this far, and at the moment, the only thing I think I'm missing is a set of bowls with lids, and a telephone to hook up at the house.  Previous needs:  washer.  check.  drier. check. microwave.  check.  furniture.  check.  And so I will continue to persevere and hopefully, my testimony, if you will, can be useful to someone else somehow along the way. 

Tomorrow will be the day; the move-in day.  All of my things are there, but where do they go?  Do I put this here, or that there?  How many miniblinds do I need, and what sizes?  (Gotta get those asap.)  Anna is excited that we have our barnyard shower curtain to hang in the bathroom, and that she is going to have a new, pink bed.  I have no idea what I'm going to do for bedding in my room, but I'm sure as I unpack, I'll run across something suitable for a comfortor...I found sheets in my building...unmatching, yes.  :)

 I'm looking forward to making this tiny little house our home, home that we can come to after work and relax.  Home that we are comfortable, and our security is intact.  I want to turn on my lamp, sit all cozied up, and read a book.  I've been arranging all the furniture in my mind...do I want this here, or there?  If I put this here, then what does that go?  And so on, and this excites me, in a bittersweet sort of way.  I know I will be OK...and when I get settled, I'll be better.  Right now, I just see such a big task and I just freeze up and can't do it.  Good thing my "can do it" friend will be there to jump right in with me, as well as y

The trick is going to be settling before Thursday, as that is the day that I start my new job.   I will meet new people in a different town.  I will learn new things, I will do something I've never done before, but it's customer service and computers, so I should be good.  I just hope I can concentrate enuough on the task at hand to learn it, to remember it, to do the job, and do the job well.  I'm looking forward to that new start, but if I were honest, I'd say I'm a little worried, too.  Can I muster a smile when I look at someone and shake their hand as I am introduced for the first time?  Can my brain be less foggy so that it can hold all the new information?  It seems so big...but I figure if I can teach myself how to get a group of men traveling around the world, handing out Bibles with no help from anyone, this should be a piece of cake, especially since I know my teacher, and she is gentle and loving and kind, and only wants the best for me.  Another "need" met.

This is me...having a cheap therapy session.

There should be a warning label on things that say things like:
*Don't put me in a box, because you'll cry as hard as you did when you put me in there as you will when you take me out.
*Just leave me behind; you only think you want me now, but trust me, you don't want the memories sneaking up on you from behind when your eyes land on me in the middle of an otherwise perfectly fine day. Just leave me behind and miss me, the item, and you won't cry over the memories I bring attached to me.
*Sentimental: open after at least some part of you has healed, or you've cried every grain of salt out of your body. On second thought: neither of those will happen, so screw sentimental...you can just do without.
*Just buy a new one of me; you'll be far better off than keeping the old one.

Or do they make a "memory eraser" button? That might be handy.

I think moving into a new place should come with step-by-step instructions on what goes where, do this first, sit down and rest for 15 minutes here. No, I don't come with my own shower rod, so pick one up while you're out with all your extra money in your pockets. Oh-and each should also come with a magic wand or a Mary Poppins bag. "Handy man" has the word "man" in it, and I've sworn off those. If not indefinitely, then permanently, or at least not until I am 72.

Of course, all of this is dependent upon the reason for which you are moving; if you don't have a heart that has been shattered into an infinite number of pieces, with half the pieces out there still walking around, making said heart impossible to ever be complete again, moving into a new home might actually be fun. I always thought it would be. I always wanted my own little house to fix up. If that's so, then how come all the joy is sucked out of me, every time I think about it? Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. How many times have I wished that throughout my life? If I take it back that many times, will I still have to move? I'm with Anna. I don't like that house as much as I like my PiePie's house; I don't like ANY house as much as I like my PiePie's house, so how come that's not just fine and dandy? But, I also stand with Anna on the flip side of the question...I have no answers. And worse yet: I have no PiePie.

And how could I forget that the Fourth of July is just the "excuse" that PiePie and his group of friends need to put together the perfect cookout, complete with more than enough to eat, plenty of kids and room for all, and cornhole, and horse shoes, and all of those things will go on, without me here, a part of what goes on at the now defunct "Perry's Paradise"....at least in my book. I'm sure in theirs, the world will keep on spinning, as if I were never anything more than just a fly on the wall...here today, gone tomorrow, grouped off now with the ever-famous "Others". "I'm DIFFERENT!!!" I want to scream. I'm not like them!!! I love him, and want nothing more than to mkae him happy!!!! And then, my brain goes into the: you-weren't-enough-to-make-him-happy mode. It's all just a viscious circle of thoughts, stuck on repeat, along with the rest of the things stuck on repeat in there these days, sounding something like a huge trainwreck in there at almost all times....even when I should be sleeping soundly. As much energy as I have expended both physically and mentally over the last two weeks (seems a lifetime), you would think I could at least get some decent, Ambien-induced rest. But it's not to be had. Rest, elusive rest, how I wish you would come to me, my brain, my body. Perhaps I could deal better with rest...less of a snowball effect, if you will.

Pride is another ugly part of this. Oh, there is the sting of a breakup when you are not the one doing the breaking up, sure, but when you are the woman that the whole town and family has talked about for "taming" the legendary Mark Perry, and getting him to put a ring on his finger, you can just imagine how the amount of tongues wagging quadruples when it's even juicier news...that they are no longer together, and she wasn't as special as she thought she was. But still, I have to live in this little town, I have to smile at the little people in this little town, and I have to do it convincingly enough that they never know that they bother me. That, my friends, is nearly impossible. What's possibly even worse is looking the people who told you so in the eye, and knowing that they were right, when you were so sure that they were wrong. And the one who had the most right to sneer at me the ugliest of all I-told-you-so's has grown so much, matured, changed, softened...he never said a word. In fact, I could almost be talked into the notion that I might have caught a bit of compassion there for me...but that could be my imagination. I'd rather think not, so I'll not ask, for then I don't know the answer for sure.

Today, for the Nanna's sake, and probably for my own as well, I just had to throw in the towel. I didn't even last 2 hours. What a whimp, huh? Just kept standing there, not even sure if I was thinking or not, just standing, and then I would realize poor little excited (finally) Anna was yacking it up 90 mph, and I hadn't heard a word of anything she said. And I tried to listen, to smile to return the chatter, but I know she knew that I was preoccupied, perhaps, she even knew I was sad. (Not that it's hard to figure out...but I did manage to get her dropped back at her Nanny and Pa's house before I broke down, thankfully.) I'm hoping and praying that I can get up tomorrow, have the stamina both mentally and physically to put one foot in front of the other, to smile, to think straight enough to know that that the canned things do not go in the living room, but in the kitchen, to pack more here at this house that isn't ine any more (I'm aquiring a collection of those...a very unwanted collection.). I know I will be much healthier, both mentally and physically, not to have to see them come and go without me, wondering where they are and when they will be back, sitting in here knowing that it's not mine to love any more, and I yearn to be done with getting out....yet there is that other part of me that wants to drag it out indefinitely...hopefully forever, and never need to finish, but rather, to finish this life we started together...together. But that will never be. And so I must pray to get through another minute, another hour, day...week...dare I hope to think I can make it through a month? I suppose so...people don't always die of broken hearts...but it sure feels like it would be easy to do, or preferable to be put out of that misery....but then, I wouldn't want to be heartless, for that would be worse than having a broken one.

As I type, I'm still thinking things.....talking about hearts and heartless and broken....I used to lay my head on his shoulder, and tell him I could hear his heart beating. He would reply that he didn't have one, which I would always counter with, but I hear it...and then he would say, well, then it's black. That was him conceding and letting me having my way, and I appreciated that, and so I left it there, both of us knowing I knew he didn't have a black heart. And I know now that he doesn't have a black heart, or no heart, but in fact a heart that is one of the most caring hearts I've ever known in my life, which is why it breaks mine so bad to see him go back in that steel box, where he will remain untouchable, perhaps forever, because he is too stubborn a Perry to just give in to having one, and loving with it freely now, like he has for these last years.

And so my roller coaster ride continues, and I fear I am still climbing my way to the top...the slow part, you know, when you just get started? the part that takes forever? Yeah. I just hope it's not a long roller coaster, because I don't know how much of the up and down and hands and no-hands I can take, and still smile, and be an Abby that even resembles the Abby of the last 35 years. I feel like the sun will never shine again, like the color in my colorful world is gone, and all that's left in its place is black and darkness. Me, the happiest person I know, in a world of black and darkness. I would never have thought. But I will battle, and I will not give in, for this group of friends and family I have tell me I'm strong, and I can bear the load, so I will go on, trusting they are right, and I will continue to do my best to persevere and in a positive manner. Tomorrow is a new day, and I shall begin it fresh and new, praying for happier thoughts to gather at the end of the day.

This is me...starting over. Again.

Yes, dear reader, today is the day!  Today is the FIRST day of the REST of my life...and I am alive and I am well.  Funny, that song carried me through my transition from Life One to Life Two, and now from Life Two to Life Three.  But, between Two and Three, the song has remained, ever-constant at the forefront of my brain, repeating that Dave Matthews voice I love so very much over and over and over again.  So, yeah...if I have the rest of my whole entire life to look forward to, then I have a very lot to be thankful for, as the rest of my life vs. not having a "rest" of my life is way far the better choice, I think.  Don't you?

It's funny how God prepares us for things, isn't it?  He prepared me for my new start, for "Starting Over, take two", by giving me an amazing group of friends, both near and far, who have surrounded me with their love and kindness and time and prayers and thoughts and help.  I think the "preheat"' of any recipe for starting over should involve friends and prayer, don't you?

Given that we have the above ingredients, the next ingredient needed for starting over, when you have nothing but some cash and a car, is a job.  Yes, one needs a job.  So, when you don't have one, and you're starting over, that's when the friends and the prayers come in, and lo and behold, you end up not only contemplating one job, but miraculously enough, a second one appears, and in the end, you get to make a choice.  Now, I just made that sound easy, and while it was *sort of* easy, lookingn back, it wasn't so easy during, and of course, the wait did you guys in nearly as much as it did me!  But now that we have all that sweat behind us, it's all a piece of cake, right?  Because a job means money, and everyone needs money to survive.  This is true.  BUT....when you only have a job and a car and (now) not much cash, the only roof over your head is your car. 

Yup...ya need a roof over your head.  This would be where we mix in the tiny little house, sitting on its own spot of yard, with a "for rent" sign in the yard.  (Did you hear the angels sing???)  Note:  While it is advisable not to take advice from me, THIS IS ME, ADVISING YOU:  BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR....because it might just come true.  I've always said I'd love to have a house to fix up, to decorate, to have little nooks and crannies, personality and charm.  It was my lucky day, when I was feeling really unlucky, and I decided to stop packing, take a ride so as to be able to breathe, and as I was driving away from a duplex I had just called about, still reeling from it all, *there it was*...a "for rent" sign...in red...just very small, out by the road.  That small sign looked like a Vegas billboard to me as I was driving slowly, talking on the phone, trying to find more numbers, more places to look for somewhere, something, and as I looked up from the neon sign flashing at me, *there it was*...the perfect little house on the perfect little spot of land, with the perfect front porch and perfect shutters, and well...it was just perfect.  Too good to be true, even...but I called anyways.  Ummm...ya'll...that's called perseverence. We, perseverence and I, have been working on a relationship of some sort, and we just haven't quite come to terms, yet...but at any rate, persevere I did, and it paid off.  Because guess what???  Yup...that little white house?  It now belongs to me.  Ah, perseverence, thank you so very much for dragging me through the muck and the mire and making me make that phone call!  Oh, how I love you!  (At least for this minute!)

Now, some may not see this as a necessary "need", but others will understand.  In order to call a house a home, it must contain one of these:

and what better than one that comes at slightly over a year old, already trained, and doesn't shed???  I can think of no better!  Oh, I guess I can...because I forgot the "free" part.  Yes, free.  Meet Leo, my new companion.  You don't want me to get lonely while I'm there without Anna, right?  Right.  And so, I will come home to Leo.  He and I will bond, and he will keep me warm at night, and be glad to see me the next day when I come back again, and he will love me no matter what, because that's what dogs do best! 

I have done things totally Abby-Style: head first or not at all.  Yup...jumped right into this life with both feet, scared to death and excited to see what it holds for me in the future.