I know I said I probably wouldn't write a post today, but there's been something on my mind a lot lately, and I thought maybe I could figure it out, come to a conclusion, or something. There is something I do now, in Volume Three of my life, that I have never done before. Ever. I come home to an empty house. There is no one waiting for me when I get here, no one to know whether I am here, or whether I am not here. No one asking what is for supper, to tell about my day, to look forward to...just me. I'm not sure how I feel about this, to be honest.
The first thought that went through my head, the first words out of my mouth to my friend, A, after knowing that my relationship with Mark was over, for good...for real, were this: "I've been married since I was 16!!!! I can't do this!!!" I was scared to death, terrified. And that's putting it very mildly. Being married at 16, I'm sure you have deducted that I moved out of my parents' house into a house with my husband. And he and I made our way in this world, together, somehow. We did it. We were a teenage pregnancy with nothing to our names, but we did it. We had reliable cars, we had a place to live, a little spot of land to call our own, and our very own house. We went out to eat most Friday nights, even, and still found our way through the road life took us on. It was scary, and it wasn't easy, but we did it. But we were together. "Together" isn't a place I could be now, here on my own, looking for a place to call home, praying for a money tree to grow in my yard, moving box after box after box, accepting help from friends, because that's what friends are for in times like this. My mind often goes back to that day at Wal Mart, so many years ago, where I felt so small and so alone in such a great big world, only this time, I as alone, with nothing to my name except three kids, a car, and less than $200. No house. No place to live. Nowhere to go. No one to know what I did or didn't do. What to do??? I figure there are about two choices at this point. The first choice is to do what you feel like doing, and curl up in a ball and just let life go on around you, hiding from it, or the second choice is to look life in the eye and commit to beating the odds, commit to making it work, some way, some how.
You are probably wondering where the kids are, since I said I come home alone. Katie is always at work or school. Always. Kevin I see less of than I do Katie. They are grown, now, for the most part, which leaves me with my little Nanna. What a precious gift from God all three of my children have been and will continue to be...He is good...He knew just what I needed. I always call on my way home to see what Anna is doing, and if she wants to come over, but usually, she is busy playing, and doesn't want to interrupt her play time to see me. Usually. Other times, she's waiting with bells on for me to get there to her as quickly as possible. She soothes me, calms me, I'm so lucky to call her mine. I try to accomodate her wishes on where she is staying...it keeps her happy, and so we're all happy. So, sometimes I am not alone...and that's always good.
When I am alone, I am normally not lonely. I keep busy, and after 3 years of hearing the Western channel blaring from the TV 24 hours a day, the silence is welcomed. I do have Leo, and thankfully, he is a lap dog and is very good company. God knew I needed him, and helped make it possible in many ways for me to be able to keep him.
Maybe I'll get used to it, to coming home to an empty house, not having to rush to get there...I'm not really sure. I guess old habits die hard.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Monday, July 9, 2012
This is me...being tired.
I think my body is saying it's had enough. The last three days, I've been so tired, and I've done as little as possible. My mind is tired, too, if that makes sense. I feel like I'm moving things from "here" to "there" but it's not really making progress. I need the rest of the furniture in the living room. That will involve a: painting a dresser, b: getting someone to bring the chifferobe to my house, which involves a truck and muscles. Neither of which I have. c: getting an entertainment center of some sort going on...I need two black tall bookshelves. I'll get there. Nothing is hung on the walls yet...I wanted to wait until things were mainly in their place. And they mainly are...I'll get there.
Today is my first full day of work. I really like it here...but the getting up early is something I've not had to do in a long time. I will acclimate, I'm sure. I will leave from work, go to the store and teach a class, then get home...hopefully around 9:00 but who knows. I think I'll crash tonight, though, so maybe I'll go to sleep earlier.
So I guess this is just a blog post to say that I won't really be blogging today because I won't really have time.
Happy Monday!
Today is my first full day of work. I really like it here...but the getting up early is something I've not had to do in a long time. I will acclimate, I'm sure. I will leave from work, go to the store and teach a class, then get home...hopefully around 9:00 but who knows. I think I'll crash tonight, though, so maybe I'll go to sleep earlier.
So I guess this is just a blog post to say that I won't really be blogging today because I won't really have time.
Happy Monday!
Sunday, July 8, 2012
This is me...being grateful.
So, there is this person that I was acquainted with for a couple of years, but really knew nothing about their life...but they noticed my posts seemed sad, and they picked up on it early on. Since then, we have become closer friends, learning more about each other, challenging each other to be positive, and scolding (OK...I'm the one being scolded for the most part) when thoughts are not positive...in a loving way, with a pep-talk, if you will. This friendship has been one that was just arranged by God, I'd like to think for both of our benefits. They came out of their box to identify with me, and entrusted me with their story, as I have entrusted those who read my blog with mine.
I've mentioned the people that have contacted me to tell me they are praying for me, or to chin up, or that I will be OK, eventually, and still validating my sadness, all at the same time. There have been so many, and they all say something different, something I needed to hear when they came in, and just as they tell me they can hear the pain in my posts, feel it, even, I can feel the love that they have poured into the messages that they have sent, and I'm so very appreciative of each one. THANK YOU, friends, for reading, for caring, for messaging, for praying. Keep it up...I still have to pay rent for two months and haven't started receiving pay checks yet, so yeah....just pray. It'll all fall into place, I know it will, so I'm trying not to worry.
I just wanted to say how very thankful I am that you come here to read about my day, about my feelings, about my life...and I hope that you gain something from the reading an such...because then what all I'm going through has a point; meaning. Something positive is then coming from something so sad and negative.
So here I am, optimistic about being able to help someone else with my story, and so very happy that I have friends just like that monkey in the photo who take care of me, even when I "weigh" a lot.
Wish me luck at work tomorrow...
I've mentioned the people that have contacted me to tell me they are praying for me, or to chin up, or that I will be OK, eventually, and still validating my sadness, all at the same time. There have been so many, and they all say something different, something I needed to hear when they came in, and just as they tell me they can hear the pain in my posts, feel it, even, I can feel the love that they have poured into the messages that they have sent, and I'm so very appreciative of each one. THANK YOU, friends, for reading, for caring, for messaging, for praying. Keep it up...I still have to pay rent for two months and haven't started receiving pay checks yet, so yeah....just pray. It'll all fall into place, I know it will, so I'm trying not to worry.
I just wanted to say how very thankful I am that you come here to read about my day, about my feelings, about my life...and I hope that you gain something from the reading an such...because then what all I'm going through has a point; meaning. Something positive is then coming from something so sad and negative.
Wish me luck at work tomorrow...
Saturday, July 7, 2012
This is me...sharing my thoughts, uncensored.
Today, this happened to me.....and I wrote it all out in a text, but then, I didn't send it. Probably because I didn't want to show my vulnerability to him. Probably because he doesn't need to know my thoughts; after all, it won't change things. But I needed to write it. I wasn't going to share it, but since the conversation happened on facebook today, it fit, and I thought this was a good place to put it.
"So, I'm just going along with my day, minding my own business, unpacking boxes, and then I hear it: Willie. Toby. Luther. But all I can hear is your voice. All I can see is how you love that song, and you always smile when you hear it...I can see us in the car, turning up the radio, smiling, laughing, enjoying life together, and I end up on my knees, on the floor, uncontrolably sobbing, crying because my heart is breaking all over again as I relive those happy times with you, and know that there are no more of those to come. THe pain is almost physical, it hurts so bad, and I wonder if there will ever come a time that I can have those memories without melting into a puddle of tears, and I think the answer is no. I wonder if that eer happens to you, you miss me being there, but I think the answer is no. I wonder if you kept my picture, or if you threw it away. I wonder if you think about what's for supper, and then remember I'm not there. I wonder if you miss my cooking, the concoctions that I come up with, just by digging in the pantry. I wonder if you ever get lonely at night, if you roll over to put your arm around me, only to discover, once again, that I am not there. Do you miss me scratching your back? Who will cut your hair? Did I ever matter? Did you fall out of love with me, as you said, because I'm not a cute little girl any more? So many pople have said that to me. Your friends. My friends. The house is empty, and I can see and feel you wiping me away with every brushstroke as you repaint the house, covering the layer of "Abby" so as to move on, not remember. Did you make me leave because the house wasn't empty, the walls plain? How can you watch Big Bang wihtout me being beside you? How can you not remember me? All of this is swirling around in my head at once, but above all, I just wonder if you have a little compartment in your steel box labeled "Abby" and your brain involuntarily digs that compartment out and remembers. Do you remember? Did you keep that photo? Do you wish you had one? Do you wish you had your wedding ring, or did you really put no thought into the fact that it came here, with me, in my jewelry box? Just for sentimental reasons...do you wish you had it? I doubt. Do you miss me? I will always wonder...and ache for the "us" that is no longer."
"So, I'm just going along with my day, minding my own business, unpacking boxes, and then I hear it: Willie. Toby. Luther. But all I can hear is your voice. All I can see is how you love that song, and you always smile when you hear it...I can see us in the car, turning up the radio, smiling, laughing, enjoying life together, and I end up on my knees, on the floor, uncontrolably sobbing, crying because my heart is breaking all over again as I relive those happy times with you, and know that there are no more of those to come. THe pain is almost physical, it hurts so bad, and I wonder if there will ever come a time that I can have those memories without melting into a puddle of tears, and I think the answer is no. I wonder if that eer happens to you, you miss me being there, but I think the answer is no. I wonder if you kept my picture, or if you threw it away. I wonder if you think about what's for supper, and then remember I'm not there. I wonder if you miss my cooking, the concoctions that I come up with, just by digging in the pantry. I wonder if you ever get lonely at night, if you roll over to put your arm around me, only to discover, once again, that I am not there. Do you miss me scratching your back? Who will cut your hair? Did I ever matter? Did you fall out of love with me, as you said, because I'm not a cute little girl any more? So many pople have said that to me. Your friends. My friends. The house is empty, and I can see and feel you wiping me away with every brushstroke as you repaint the house, covering the layer of "Abby" so as to move on, not remember. Did you make me leave because the house wasn't empty, the walls plain? How can you watch Big Bang wihtout me being beside you? How can you not remember me? All of this is swirling around in my head at once, but above all, I just wonder if you have a little compartment in your steel box labeled "Abby" and your brain involuntarily digs that compartment out and remembers. Do you remember? Did you keep that photo? Do you wish you had one? Do you wish you had your wedding ring, or did you really put no thought into the fact that it came here, with me, in my jewelry box? Just for sentimental reasons...do you wish you had it? I doubt. Do you miss me? I will always wonder...and ache for the "us" that is no longer."
This is me....on the opinions of others.
I've had two conversations in the last two days, I believe, with two different people on the topic of the opinions of others. "Others" being strangers, friends, family...whoever.
Conversation One was about others, mostly being strangers, judging what they might *think* is a behavioral problem and a bad parent to go with, when in reality, the child is a special needs child who can't help the way he is acting, and neither can his mother. Why do we feel the need to stop, look up, all embarassed, and say..."...sorry, he's Autistic, and it's just best to let the fit subside on its own, rather than trying to stop it". Why do we care? We will likely never see any of these people again, yet we care about the image we portray. (At least that is the conclusion N and I came to.) Sadly, for that reason (judging the proverbial book by its cover), the activities she, her child, and the rest of her family are able to do are limited, because it's easier to just not go, not do whatever, not explain, not be embarassed, to just be at home, where they are "safe". It makes me sad. For them, for him, that people are this way, and that such a neat family is not invited, or chooses not to go because they feel out of place and it's just easier on everyone to stay at home. I can't imagine thinking that is fun, 365 days of the year. And you know what? The more he's around, the better he is. He's no trouble. He's a little cuddle bug, a very compassionate child. Sure, he has quirks, tantrums, causes you to check and see why he's so quiet, but when do you NOT do that with a typical 6 year old? I'm guilty of judging, too, I'm sure. I can't think of an example right now, but yeah, I've done it. I'm really glad I didn't this time....look at the friendship, the family full of love, the blessings that have come because I accepted him, therefore, them. And I'm pretty sure they feel "safe" here, like when they are at home. Which is awesome, because my home IS their home. Any time, any time. Soooo, this conversation was an eye opener for me...to help me remember not to judge, not to shun, not to assume, but to be a positive influence. Everyone deserves a chance, don't they?
Conversation Two was not only about caring what "others" thought...but along with the "others" is grouped family and friends. This was a one-sided conversation in which I told M that I had believed in him, and he had let me down, and made me look like a fool in front of our whole entire little town, to my parents, my family, my friends....his family (even worse)...my children...it is not good to be the object of the popular topic in a small town, especially one where he knows *everyone* everywhere we go, and he proved them all right when I was so sure I was proving them all wrong. Why do I care? I think mostly it's just the sting to my pride, but it is also hurtful. It's hard to smile, and say, why yes, we are, in fact, not together any longer, and not start crying. It's hard to know that when you walk by, the next topic out of their lips is about you. It's hard to walk around, knowing you failed at a task you were given, publicly, in an epic way. Failure is not a word I like, especially when it is attached to me. Again, I'm not sure why, but I care. A lot. But in the long run, it really doesn't matter or change things, now, does it? And if they are talking, or have to ask, then they are not important anyways...because if they *were* important, they would already know! (At least that is the pep talk I give myself often.) Again, this is a lesson for me. A lesson to be more compassionate and less of a judge. To be a helper, to help raise, not put down. To extend a hand, offer a hug, offer a smile, to be a positive part of their day. A teaching lesson for myself: have some self esteem and some confidence! Walk like you're somebody!!! That's what I tell my kids. Brush it off....don't let petty people hurt your feelings! They only talk about you because their lives are not interesting enough to talk about. And so on and so forth.
I guess, really, there is no point to this post at all, other than I was pondering the topic and wanted to throw my thoughts out there, and then later, I will re-read them. I do that. I read the stuff I write, and sometimes, I go wow....you said that? You're a smart one, you are! Then other times, I'm like...woah...what were you THINKING?!?!?! But that's the point-to document my thoughts. Uninhibited, because I can.
On to other news, one of my first purchases as I can afford things I need will be a ceiling fan for my bedroom. It is the hottest room in the house, but I think with a fan to help pull the air in, it would be just right. Imagine my delight when I saw this fan....you know what I'm going to do!!!! :)
I got this from www.homehappyhome.blogspot.com. I am in love. I cannot WAIT to get this above my bed, to put my mismatched curtains up in my room....yippity skippity!
I'll try not to be so "philisophical"...if I could ever be referred to like that...tomorrow, and share a fun post about the house with you instead. We shall see what strikes me as a good post topic tomorrow...who knows!?!?!
Conversation One was about others, mostly being strangers, judging what they might *think* is a behavioral problem and a bad parent to go with, when in reality, the child is a special needs child who can't help the way he is acting, and neither can his mother. Why do we feel the need to stop, look up, all embarassed, and say..."...sorry, he's Autistic, and it's just best to let the fit subside on its own, rather than trying to stop it". Why do we care? We will likely never see any of these people again, yet we care about the image we portray. (At least that is the conclusion N and I came to.) Sadly, for that reason (judging the proverbial book by its cover), the activities she, her child, and the rest of her family are able to do are limited, because it's easier to just not go, not do whatever, not explain, not be embarassed, to just be at home, where they are "safe". It makes me sad. For them, for him, that people are this way, and that such a neat family is not invited, or chooses not to go because they feel out of place and it's just easier on everyone to stay at home. I can't imagine thinking that is fun, 365 days of the year. And you know what? The more he's around, the better he is. He's no trouble. He's a little cuddle bug, a very compassionate child. Sure, he has quirks, tantrums, causes you to check and see why he's so quiet, but when do you NOT do that with a typical 6 year old? I'm guilty of judging, too, I'm sure. I can't think of an example right now, but yeah, I've done it. I'm really glad I didn't this time....look at the friendship, the family full of love, the blessings that have come because I accepted him, therefore, them. And I'm pretty sure they feel "safe" here, like when they are at home. Which is awesome, because my home IS their home. Any time, any time. Soooo, this conversation was an eye opener for me...to help me remember not to judge, not to shun, not to assume, but to be a positive influence. Everyone deserves a chance, don't they?
Conversation Two was not only about caring what "others" thought...but along with the "others" is grouped family and friends. This was a one-sided conversation in which I told M that I had believed in him, and he had let me down, and made me look like a fool in front of our whole entire little town, to my parents, my family, my friends....his family (even worse)...my children...it is not good to be the object of the popular topic in a small town, especially one where he knows *everyone* everywhere we go, and he proved them all right when I was so sure I was proving them all wrong. Why do I care? I think mostly it's just the sting to my pride, but it is also hurtful. It's hard to smile, and say, why yes, we are, in fact, not together any longer, and not start crying. It's hard to know that when you walk by, the next topic out of their lips is about you. It's hard to walk around, knowing you failed at a task you were given, publicly, in an epic way. Failure is not a word I like, especially when it is attached to me. Again, I'm not sure why, but I care. A lot. But in the long run, it really doesn't matter or change things, now, does it? And if they are talking, or have to ask, then they are not important anyways...because if they *were* important, they would already know! (At least that is the pep talk I give myself often.) Again, this is a lesson for me. A lesson to be more compassionate and less of a judge. To be a helper, to help raise, not put down. To extend a hand, offer a hug, offer a smile, to be a positive part of their day. A teaching lesson for myself: have some self esteem and some confidence! Walk like you're somebody!!! That's what I tell my kids. Brush it off....don't let petty people hurt your feelings! They only talk about you because their lives are not interesting enough to talk about. And so on and so forth.
I guess, really, there is no point to this post at all, other than I was pondering the topic and wanted to throw my thoughts out there, and then later, I will re-read them. I do that. I read the stuff I write, and sometimes, I go wow....you said that? You're a smart one, you are! Then other times, I'm like...woah...what were you THINKING?!?!?! But that's the point-to document my thoughts. Uninhibited, because I can.
On to other news, one of my first purchases as I can afford things I need will be a ceiling fan for my bedroom. It is the hottest room in the house, but I think with a fan to help pull the air in, it would be just right. Imagine my delight when I saw this fan....you know what I'm going to do!!!! :)
I'll try not to be so "philisophical"...if I could ever be referred to like that...tomorrow, and share a fun post about the house with you instead. We shall see what strikes me as a good post topic tomorrow...who knows!?!?!
Friday, July 6, 2012
This is me...being scattered.
I had a bunch of thoughts all day today about things I wanted to blog about, and you know if I don't write something down, I don't remember it. So yeah...what were those things? Ummmm...first of all, if you have sent me a message, either emailed or inboxed on facebook, I AM NOT IGNORING YOU! I will reply to every one. I promise. I just haven't had time to even breathe, ya know? It will be better when I get all these boxes put somewhere and get an adequate amount of sleep. (Right?)
Next, I wanted to talk about blogging. Why I blog. Some may wonder, in fact, I know some do wonder, because they have told me so, why I chose to share my life and my thoughts and bare my soul for anyone and everyone to read...why would I choose to publicly do that? While I'm not sure that I can put my finger on it, really, I'll give it a go. First of all, it's theraputic to me to write and get it all off my chest, "out there" rather than "in here". I don't write for attention. That being said, part of what I do like is the comments, questions, and statements that I recieve from my readers. They make me think, and they make me know that I am not alone; that someone else out there understands, to some degree, what it is I'm trying to say...they can read between what I say to get to what I mean, and they understand. It's really good to not feel alone. (That's worthy of being said twice..yes, I knew I was repeating myself.) People that love me and care about me can keep up with me through my blog. That may sound egotistical and for that, I am regretful, for that is in no way what I mean. The other part of that sentence, or reason, is that if they read my blog and keep up with me, then they know how to pray for me, and that is comforting...knowing there are people both near and far, both friends and "strangers" who participate in the good thought vibes and prayers. Last, but most certainly not least on my list is because maybe, just maybe, my blog reaches someone who needs to hear what I have to say, or needs to know that they are not alone, either. Maybe it just makes someone think of *one* "at least" statement...even the things that seems the most minute, like that one statement, could affect how many people? The number would be almost impossible to calculate, all things considered. I'm a helper, a do-er, and care-er and a compassionate person...I'm nice, I'm thoughtful, I want to believe the best of someone, to help them along their way somehow. Maybe it's a smile, maybe it's a word, or a sentence, or a whole blog post. Maybe it's feelings I share, uncensored and honest, that capture the reader...I don't know. Why do I care so much about being helpful? Well, besides the fact that it's in my genes, I wouldn't be where I am today if someone didn't bend down, take my hand, and walk with me when I needed them to. I can think of countless instances that I have been helped through or helped by. And you know, knowing that I've helped someone else helps me. Yes, I just way overused the word "help"...but I couldn't HELP it. Ha. Dork alert. There is a quote, and I can't find it just now, so the wording won't be just right, and I don't remember who said it, even, but it basically said "I couldn't be standing on the top today if not for the people who were underneath me, letting me use their shoulders to stand on to get there." I have "shoulders" in the form of comments, emails, text message, hugs, I could go on and on. Knowing that I have that makes me stronger than I could ever dream of being without that knowledge. So yeah...if I had to narrow it down, I would say something cheesy like...As I have blessed (hopefully) many, many have blessed me. So, round and round the proverbial mulberry bush we just went....I hope you get the idea of what I mean, because I sure didn't say it very eloquently.
What else? Ummmm...I actually *wrote* a list while waiting on Verizon tonight...but I don't know what I did with it. My life story. Since I don't remember and it's getting late...again...I'm going to sign off...gotta get up early in the morning to trek to the zoo and pick up my NannaBaby. It's way too quiet around here without her!!!!!!
Next, I wanted to talk about blogging. Why I blog. Some may wonder, in fact, I know some do wonder, because they have told me so, why I chose to share my life and my thoughts and bare my soul for anyone and everyone to read...why would I choose to publicly do that? While I'm not sure that I can put my finger on it, really, I'll give it a go. First of all, it's theraputic to me to write and get it all off my chest, "out there" rather than "in here". I don't write for attention. That being said, part of what I do like is the comments, questions, and statements that I recieve from my readers. They make me think, and they make me know that I am not alone; that someone else out there understands, to some degree, what it is I'm trying to say...they can read between what I say to get to what I mean, and they understand. It's really good to not feel alone. (That's worthy of being said twice..yes, I knew I was repeating myself.) People that love me and care about me can keep up with me through my blog. That may sound egotistical and for that, I am regretful, for that is in no way what I mean. The other part of that sentence, or reason, is that if they read my blog and keep up with me, then they know how to pray for me, and that is comforting...knowing there are people both near and far, both friends and "strangers" who participate in the good thought vibes and prayers. Last, but most certainly not least on my list is because maybe, just maybe, my blog reaches someone who needs to hear what I have to say, or needs to know that they are not alone, either. Maybe it just makes someone think of *one* "at least" statement...even the things that seems the most minute, like that one statement, could affect how many people? The number would be almost impossible to calculate, all things considered. I'm a helper, a do-er, and care-er and a compassionate person...I'm nice, I'm thoughtful, I want to believe the best of someone, to help them along their way somehow. Maybe it's a smile, maybe it's a word, or a sentence, or a whole blog post. Maybe it's feelings I share, uncensored and honest, that capture the reader...I don't know. Why do I care so much about being helpful? Well, besides the fact that it's in my genes, I wouldn't be where I am today if someone didn't bend down, take my hand, and walk with me when I needed them to. I can think of countless instances that I have been helped through or helped by. And you know, knowing that I've helped someone else helps me. Yes, I just way overused the word "help"...but I couldn't HELP it. Ha. Dork alert. There is a quote, and I can't find it just now, so the wording won't be just right, and I don't remember who said it, even, but it basically said "I couldn't be standing on the top today if not for the people who were underneath me, letting me use their shoulders to stand on to get there." I have "shoulders" in the form of comments, emails, text message, hugs, I could go on and on. Knowing that I have that makes me stronger than I could ever dream of being without that knowledge. So yeah...if I had to narrow it down, I would say something cheesy like...As I have blessed (hopefully) many, many have blessed me. So, round and round the proverbial mulberry bush we just went....I hope you get the idea of what I mean, because I sure didn't say it very eloquently.
What else? Ummmm...I actually *wrote* a list while waiting on Verizon tonight...but I don't know what I did with it. My life story. Since I don't remember and it's getting late...again...I'm going to sign off...gotta get up early in the morning to trek to the zoo and pick up my NannaBaby. It's way too quiet around here without her!!!!!!
Thursday, July 5, 2012
This is me...on change, joy, and believe.
Change, joy, and believe are all good words to describe me and my life right now. Here's why:
Changes are not always a bad thing. After all, I've always wanted a window sill above my kitchen sink with a view, and not only do I have that, but I have deep sinks now, too, that hold dishes...not the sinks that come in mobile homes that are way too shallow and small. See? That's two things I've always wanted, all because of changes that have been made in my life. I love that not only do I have the window sill, but I have room to put things on it that make me smile. I'll admit it...the Popeye spinach is me being a bit...ummmm...nostalgic? Sure, I like that word. Nostalgic. I love the @ symbol...have for a long time because you know...@ is for @bby! Next, we have a picture of me with my Granny. Oh, how I love her so! It was taken two years ago, I think, for my birthday...maybe three. Not sure. The coke bottle is just a find that I had randomly sitting around looking for a home and has no meaning to me at all, really. Ha. When N and I went looking for a couch, we bought a stack of dishes, and every one that we liked happened to be green, so therefore, the green vase that I've had forever is put to use with a flower that was purchased at a craft show, I believe. It's made from a pinecone. I tried this. All I got was a very stick mess. I'll just love the one I have and leave it at that. So there is a tour of my happy little kitchen window...oh...and the sunflower says "Be Joyful" I think. Something about joy, anyways. It's a good reminder...and a good word. Although I try to be joyful in all situations, sometimes, many times, even, I fail. So this is just a good, daily reminder for me to remember to be joyful in any situation, for there is always *something* that can be started with "at least". We just may have to look for it a bit harder sometimes is all.
Today marked other changes in my life...my first day at my new job would be the first change. I like it there. Everyone is very friendly, and the environment is inviting and layed back...and the job is going to be fast-paced and keep me busy...once I learn all there is to know about windows...and I'm here to tell you that is A LOT!!! I never knew! My "space" is nice...it's not too small. I can see out the windows. Once I get it all cozied up, Abby style, I'll be all set. (First the other lady has to move out, though!) I find it strange that she moved jobs within the office, but hasn't cleaned off her things from her desk before someone else was going to be sitting there using it. I would want my things taken care of before the new gal came along, wouldn't you? Just thinking "out loud" I guess. So yes, I do believe the perfect job for me was created, and I made the smarter choice to suit me, my personality, and therefore, my health. Go me. Nothing about this change would even be possible without my friend, A, that I met through teaching classes and owning the store...so even though that is now a bittersweet memory...owning the store, that is...I am reminded that without the store, making friends with A would never have happened...so there was good to be had about having the store, yes indeed.
The next change I made today was to say goodbye to Ruby. Ruby? you ask...yes, Ruby. She and I have bonded together over many a mile, many a flea market, and many a trip to and from the store. She had plenty of space for boxes and moving things, and she also had plenty of room should I want to haul around a lot of the kids that we had, PiePie and I. The problem is, having Ruby now is not a very practical choice, considering that all the hauling of things, boxes, and children is mostly done. Spending $25.00 a day in gas to work just wasn't going to happen! At the prompting of N and Kate and their "go-get-em-tiger" cheerleading, I called and made an appointment to look at some vehicles to try and find an even trade. I was hi-rumphed at by some, saying that it couldn't be done, but I knew (or thought I knew) otherwise. But good ole N and Kate...my two best cheerleaders...they believed with me. And so the three of us amigos went car shopping this afternoon. We went to the appointment. That was strike one. Next we went to another lot. The man was nice, but said he couldn't "move" the bigger vehicles right now and just couldn't do it. Strike two. I think he felt kind of bad. I asked him if there was anywhere else to go that would be open later in the evening, and he sent us to one more place. At this place, there were several cars that were within the range of "trade-able". The man was tickled pink to have the Expedition, remarked at what good shape it was in, and how clean it was, and after he drove it, he was sold. He told me I could have any car in the whole row for an even trade. REALLY???!!??!! Grand slam! So, we started looking and ruling out this one and that...a dent here, 5 speed there, higher mileage on this one than on that one...this one is nicer on the outside, but the other one has many less miles on it...and so we narrowed it down, drove the car we all three thought was the best pick, came back, and told him we wanted to trade. Today? He asked...or would you rather come back tomorrow? My reply....nope! Not tomorrow...I want to trade RIGHT NOW. I don't want to put any more gas in the Expedition, and getting to Portland when getting off work in Hendersonville at 4:30 was pushing it. Anyone who knows me knows that once my miind is made up, there's not much that is going to stop me from getting where I want to go, one way or the other, and my mind was made up! N had her dad on the phone, the value was right, and she *really* wanted me to get it because she wished she had never gotten rid of hers. And so that is how I came to drive home a Maxima without even spending one single dollar! I had faith. I had asked God to help me find the right car, and KNOW it was the right car, and He did. Just like He had this house in line for me, the dog coming at the perfect time, the job that He allowed for me to have, and the peace that He has given me, He had a car waiting for me. I didn't even for one minute doubt that He was going to stop today...not when He has brought me this far. Another good word is "believe". I believed that there was something out there, even though others thought it was a long shot. I believed that I would find THE one, that God would lead the way, and He did.
I'm excited about the changes that my life has taken. Who would have thought that I would be saying that when just two short weeks or so ago, I was a hot mess? Not I! I'm looking forward to tomorrow....to what it brings, to see what other changes He has in store for me.
Thank you, Jesus, for taking care of me, for hearing my cries of help, and for fulfilling my needs as only You can do. Please help me remember that not all changes are bad, that I need to be joyful in every situation, every day, and to believe...especially on days when it's really hard to do so.
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