This is me....on the opinions of others.

I've had two conversations in the last two days, I believe, with two different people on the topic of the opinions of others.  "Others" being strangers, friends, family...whoever. 

Conversation One was about others, mostly being strangers, judging what they might *think* is a behavioral problem and a bad parent to go with, when in reality, the child is a special needs child who can't help the way he is acting, and neither can his mother.  Why do we feel the need to stop, look up, all embarassed, and say..."...sorry, he's Autistic, and it's just best to let the fit subside on its own, rather than trying to stop it".  Why do we care?  We will likely never see any of these people again, yet we care about the image we portray.  (At least that is the conclusion N and I came to.)  Sadly, for that reason (judging the proverbial book by its cover), the activities she, her child, and the rest of her family are able to do are limited, because it's easier to just not go, not do whatever, not explain, not be embarassed, to just be at home, where they are "safe".  It makes me sad.  For them, for him, that people are this way, and that such a neat family is not invited, or chooses not to go because they feel out of place and it's just easier on everyone to stay at home.  I can't imagine thinking that is fun, 365 days of the year.  And you know what?  The more he's around, the better he is.  He's no trouble.  He's a little cuddle bug, a very compassionate child.  Sure, he has quirks, tantrums, causes you to check and see why he's so quiet, but when do you NOT do that with a typical 6 year old?  I'm guilty of judging, too, I'm sure.  I can't think of an example right now, but yeah, I've done it.  I'm really glad I didn't this time....look at the friendship, the family full of love, the blessings that have come because I accepted him, therefore, them.  And I'm pretty sure they feel "safe" here, like when they are at home.  Which is awesome, because my home IS their home.  Any time, any time.  Soooo, this conversation was an eye opener for me...to help me remember not to judge,  not to shun, not to assume, but to be a positive influence.  Everyone deserves a chance, don't they?

Conversation Two was not only about caring what "others" thought...but along with the "others" is grouped family and friends.  This was a one-sided conversation in which I told M that I had believed in him, and he had let me down, and made me look like a fool in front of our whole entire little town, to my parents,  my family, my friends....his family (even worse)...my children...it is not good to be the object of the popular topic in a small town, especially one where he knows *everyone* everywhere we go, and he proved them all right when I was so sure I was proving them all wrong.  Why do I care?  I think mostly it's just the sting to my pride, but it is also hurtful.  It's hard to smile, and say, why yes, we are, in fact, not together any longer, and not start crying.  It's hard to know that when you walk by, the next topic out of their lips is about you.  It's hard to walk around, knowing you failed at a task you were given, publicly, in an epic way.  Failure is not a word I like, especially  when it is attached to me.  Again, I'm not sure why, but I care.  A lot.  But in the long run, it really doesn't matter or change things, now, does it?  And if they are talking, or have to ask, then they are not important anyways...because if they *were* important, they would already know!  (At least that is the pep talk I give myself often.)  Again, this is a lesson for me.  A lesson to be more compassionate and less of a judge.  To be a helper, to help raise, not put down.  To extend a hand, offer a hug, offer a smile, to be a positive part of their day.  A teaching lesson for myself:  have some self esteem and some confidence!  Walk like you're somebody!!!  That's what I tell my kids. Brush it off....don't let petty people hurt your feelings!  They only talk about you because their lives are not interesting enough to talk about.  And so on and so forth.

I guess, really, there is no point to this post at all, other than I was pondering the topic and wanted to throw my thoughts out there, and then later, I will re-read them.  I do that.  I read the stuff I write, and sometimes, I go wow....you said that?  You're a smart one, you are!  Then other times, I'm like...woah...what were you THINKING?!?!?!  But that's the point-to document my thoughts.  Uninhibited, because I can. 

On to other news, one of my first purchases as I can afford things I need will be a ceiling fan for my bedroom.  It is the hottest room in the house, but I think with a fan to help pull the air in, it would be just right.  Imagine my delight when I saw this fan....you know what I'm going to do!!!!  :)

I got this from www.homehappyhome.blogspot.com.  I am in love.  I cannot WAIT to get this above my bed, to put my mismatched curtains up in my room....yippity skippity!

I'll try not to be so "philisophical"...if I could ever be referred to like that...tomorrow, and share a fun post about the house with you instead.  We shall see what strikes me as a good post topic tomorrow...who knows!?!?!

This is me...being scattered.

I had a bunch of thoughts all day today about things I wanted to blog about, and you know if I don't write something down, I don't remember it.  So yeah...what were those things?  Ummmm...first of all, if you have sent me a message, either emailed or inboxed on facebook, I AM NOT IGNORING YOU!  I will reply to every one.  I promise.  I just haven't had time to even breathe, ya know?  It will be better when I get all these boxes put somewhere and get an adequate amount of sleep.  (Right?)

Next, I wanted to talk about blogging.  Why I blog.  Some may wonder, in fact, I know some do wonder, because they have told me so, why I chose to share my life and my thoughts and bare my soul for anyone and everyone to read...why would I choose to publicly do that?  While I'm not sure that I can put my finger on it, really, I'll give it a go.  First of all, it's theraputic to me to write and get it all off my chest, "out there" rather than "in here".  I don't write for attention.  That being said, part of what I do like is the comments, questions, and statements that I recieve from my readers.  They make me think, and they make me know that I am not alone; that someone else out there understands, to some degree, what it is I'm trying to say...they can read between what I say to get to what I mean, and they understand.  It's really good to not feel alone.  (That's worthy of being said twice..yes, I knew I was repeating myself.)  People that love me and care about me can keep up with me through my blog.  That may sound egotistical and for that, I am regretful, for that is in no way what I mean.  The other part of that sentence, or reason, is that if they read my blog and keep up with me, then they know how to pray for me, and that is comforting...knowing there are people both near and far, both friends and "strangers" who participate in the good thought vibes and prayers.  Last, but most certainly not least on my list is because maybe, just maybe, my blog reaches someone who needs to hear what I have to say, or needs to know that they are not alone, either.  Maybe it just makes someone think of *one* "at least" statement...even the things that seems the most minute, like that one statement, could affect how many people?  The number would be almost impossible to calculate, all things considered.  I'm a helper, a do-er, and care-er and a compassionate person...I'm nice, I'm thoughtful, I want to believe the best of someone, to help them along their way somehow.  Maybe it's a smile, maybe it's a word, or a sentence, or a whole blog post.  Maybe it's feelings I share, uncensored and honest, that capture the reader...I don't know.  Why do I care so much about being helpful?  Well, besides the fact that it's in my genes,  I wouldn't be where I am today if someone didn't bend down, take my hand, and walk with me when I needed them to.  I can think of countless instances that I have been helped through or helped by.  And you know, knowing that I've helped someone else helps me.  Yes, I just way overused the word "help"...but I couldn't HELP it.  Ha.  Dork alert.  There is a quote, and I can't find it just now, so the wording won't be just right, and I don't remember who said it, even, but it basically said "I couldn't be standing on the top today if not for the people who were underneath me, letting me use their shoulders to stand on to get there."  I have "shoulders" in the form of comments, emails, text message, hugs, I could go on and on.  Knowing that I have that makes me stronger than I could ever dream of being without that knowledge.  So yeah...if I had to narrow it down, I would say something cheesy like...As I have blessed (hopefully) many, many have blessed me.  So, round and round the proverbial mulberry bush we just went....I hope you get the idea of what I mean, because I sure didn't say it very eloquently.

What else?  Ummmm...I actually *wrote* a list while waiting on Verizon tonight...but I don't know what I did with it.  My life story.  Since I don't remember and it's getting late...again...I'm going to sign off...gotta get up early in the morning to trek to the zoo and pick up my NannaBaby.  It's way too quiet around here without her!!!!!!

This is me...on change, joy, and believe.

Change, joy, and believe are all good words to describe me and my life right now.  Here's why:

Changes are not always a bad thing.  After all, I've always wanted a window sill above my kitchen sink with a view, and not only do I have that, but I have deep sinks now, too, that hold dishes...not the sinks that come in mobile homes that are way too shallow and small.  See?  That's two things I've always wanted, all because of changes that have been made in my life.  I love that not only do I have the window sill, but I have room to put things on it that make me smile.  I'll admit it...the Popeye spinach is me being a bit...ummmm...nostalgic?  Sure, I like that word.  Nostalgic. I love the @ symbol...have for a long time because you know...@ is for @bby!  Next, we have a picture of me with my Granny.  Oh, how I love her so!  It was taken two years ago, I think, for my birthday...maybe three.  Not sure.   The coke bottle is just a find that I had randomly sitting around looking for a home and has no meaning to me at all, really.  Ha.  When N and I went looking for a couch, we bought a stack of dishes, and every one that we liked happened to be green, so therefore, the green vase that I've had forever is put to use with a flower that was purchased at a craft show, I believe.  It's made from a pinecone.  I tried this.  All I got was a very stick mess.  I'll just love the one I have and leave it at that.  So there is a tour of my happy little kitchen window...oh...and the sunflower says "Be Joyful" I think.  Something about joy, anyways.  It's a good reminder...and a good word. Although I try to be joyful in all situations, sometimes, many times, even, I fail.  So this is just a good, daily reminder for me to remember to be joyful in any situation, for there is always *something* that can be started with "at least".  We just may have to look for it a bit harder sometimes is all. 

Today marked other changes in my life...my first day at my new job would be the first change.  I like it there.  Everyone is very friendly, and the environment is inviting and layed back...and the job is going to be fast-paced and keep me busy...once I learn all there is to know about windows...and I'm here to tell you that is A LOT!!!  I never knew!  My "space" is nice...it's not too small.  I can see out the windows.  Once I get it all cozied up, Abby style, I'll be all set.  (First the other lady has to move out, though!)  I find it strange that she moved jobs within the office, but hasn't cleaned off her things from her desk before someone else was going to be sitting there using it.  I would want my things taken care of before the new gal came along, wouldn't you?  Just thinking "out loud" I guess.  So yes, I do believe the perfect job for me was created, and I made the smarter choice to suit me, my personality, and therefore, my health.  Go me.  Nothing about this change would even be possible without my friend, A, that I met through teaching classes and owning the store...so even though that is now a bittersweet memory...owning the store, that is...I am reminded that without the store, making friends with A would never have happened...so there was good to be had about having the store, yes indeed.

The next change I made today was to say goodbye to Ruby.  Ruby? you ask...yes, Ruby.  She and I have bonded together over many a mile, many a flea market, and many a trip to and from the store.  She had plenty of space for boxes and moving things, and she also had plenty of room should I want to haul around a lot of the kids that we had, PiePie and I.  The problem is, having Ruby now is not a very practical choice, considering that all the hauling of things, boxes, and children is mostly done.  Spending $25.00 a day in gas to work just wasn't going to happen!  At the prompting of  N and Kate and their "go-get-em-tiger" cheerleading, I called and made an appointment to look at some vehicles to try and find an even trade.  I was hi-rumphed at by some, saying that it couldn't be done, but I knew (or thought I knew) otherwise.  But good ole N and Kate...my two best cheerleaders...they believed with me.  And so the three of us amigos went car shopping this afternoon.  We went to the appointment.  That was strike one.  Next we went to another lot.  The man was nice, but said he couldn't "move" the bigger vehicles right now and just couldn't do it.  Strike two.  I think he felt kind of bad.  I asked him if there was anywhere else to go that would be open later in the evening, and he sent us to one more place.  At this place, there were several cars that were within the range of "trade-able".  The  man was tickled pink to have the Expedition, remarked at what good shape it was in, and how clean it was, and after he drove it, he was sold.  He told me I could have any car in the whole row for an even trade.  REALLY???!!??!!  Grand slam!  So, we started looking and ruling out this one and that...a dent here, 5 speed there, higher mileage on this one than on that one...this one is nicer on the outside, but the other one has many less miles on it...and so we narrowed it down, drove the car we all three thought was the best pick, came back, and told him we wanted to trade.  Today?  He asked...or would you rather come back tomorrow?  My reply....nope!  Not tomorrow...I want to trade RIGHT NOW.  I don't want to put any more gas in the Expedition, and getting to Portland when getting off work in Hendersonville at 4:30 was pushing it.  Anyone who knows me knows that once my miind is made up, there's not much that is going to stop me from getting where I want to go, one way or the other, and my mind was made up!  N had her dad on the phone, the value was right, and she *really* wanted me to get it because she wished she had never gotten rid of hers.  And so that is how I came to drive home a Maxima without even spending one single dollar!  I had faith.  I had asked God to help me find the right car, and KNOW it was the right car, and He did.  Just like He had this house in line for me, the dog coming at the perfect time, the job that He allowed for me to have, and the peace that He has given me, He had a car waiting for me.  I didn't even for one minute doubt that He was going to stop today...not when He has brought me this far.  Another good word is "believe".  I believed  that there was something out there, even though others thought it was a long shot.  I believed that I would find THE one, that God would lead the way, and He did. 

I'm excited about the changes that my life has taken.  Who would have thought that I would be saying that when just two short weeks or so ago, I was a hot mess?  Not I!  I'm looking forward to tomorrow....to what it brings, to see what other changes He has in store for me.

Thank you, Jesus, for taking care of me, for hearing my cries of help, and for fulfilling my needs as only You can do.  Please help me remember that not all changes are bad, that I need to be joyful in every situation, every day, and to believe...especially on days when it's really hard to do so.

This is me...introducing the letter "E"

Today's blog post is brought to you by the letter "Ee".

 

*Today, I feel exhausted.  I feel tired and ache-y.  I feel like I have spent so much physical and emotional energy in the last month-ish that I should be laying in the floor in a puddle.  I want to remember where things are.  I want to quit looking at boxes, boxes everywhere.  I want to know what to do with the things I don't have room for, need, and can't part with...I have pared way down, believe it or not, peeps.  I want to quit moving the same things around from here to there, back to here and then to there again.  I want to wave my magic wand and make everything fall into place..."bibitty bobitty boo!!!" I also feel somewhat accomplished because I feel exhausted....because if I am indeed exhausted, then wouldn't it be because I was doing *something*...and I should feel good about what I accomplished to get to that state.  (Am I making sense here to anyone but me?  Read what I mean, not what I say.)  It's funny, because you would think that being exhausted would allow one to "have a good sleep" as my Nanna Lucy would say, yet sleep eludes me.  What am I running on, then?  Where does this boundless energy come from?  Could it perhaps be that I am strong...strong like my friends and family have told me?  I will choose to believe that they are right.  I am determined.  And I can't get to my destination if I'm not strong enough to endure the path that takes me there.  Yes, I am strong.

*The letter "Ee" is also used to spell enthusiastic.  One of my all-time favorite quotes, at least in the top three if not the favorite is this:  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  Tomorrow is a large part of my new life...it is the day I start working at my new job.  I am excited to meet new friends, to use my brain to learn something new, to talk to people, help people.  I am excited that this is a new beginning for me, and this job can be whatever I choose to make it be...and I choose to make it exciting.  I will say this:  I have been dreading having to go to work over the last couple of weeks or so...because I really didn't think that I had the energy or the brain capacity to learn something new, to meet new people and smile, to not be so sad that they see it, just as if I have the words "I'm sad." tattooed on my forehead.  Thankfully, "sad" turned into "mad", as we all know, and "mad" fuels enthusiasm.  So  yes, I am excited about this new road I will be heading down, because it is an opportunity for me in so many ways. 

So there you have it, friends...my feelings and thoughts and insecurities all spilled out, right in front of you...but I do believe they have progressed towards "happy" as I continue each day to fight the urge to be sad...and I feel like they show that I've healed so very much so very quickly in the last weekish, even though things are not yet all the way over the top on the "happy" meter...it's progress, and I'll take it. 

I have to share a photo...just because I think blog posts should have eye candy.  This was yesterday, the photo I wanted to share that wasn't there.  This was the perfect ending to the perfect day.  Ice cream cones on the porch, chatting, and then playing at the park for a while.  I just love those kids.  Love 'em to pieces. 

This is me, on "Perfectly Ugly".

Yes, perfectly ugly.  Delightfully ugly.  And oh, so very MINE!!!  I have the best friends a girl could ask for, and two of them were bound and determined to find *something* for us to sit on in the living room, and preferably something we liked, and better yet, something that would have the price tag of "next to nothing".  As they were walking out of the furniture store with all of the new, high-priced furniture, the man stopped them, and they explained what they were doing and why, and he told them he might have just the perfect thing.  He showed them a couch that would do...but for what it was, it still had a high price, and it wasn't spectacular, so they passed.  As they were on their way out the door the 2nd time, they were stopped again...and *that*, dear reader, is when they angels sang....ahhhhhhhh......and the light shone down on the Perfectly Perfect Just For Abby spectacularly ugly in every way couch and chair.  And with just the right price.  It couldn't have been special-ordered to suit me any more...but this teaser will have to do for now, until I get the living room as I want it to share with you. 

Today was a good day, and it finished off just right with nachos made by yours truly, piled high with pico and sour cream and olives and cheese and meat and...well, that may be all.  But you get the picture.  That was topped off with Cherry Chip ice cream cones and a walk across the street to the park with the boys, Katie, and her "boy", Leo, and Nycole and I. 

There's nothing much better than girlfriend time, and I've been able to have my fair share of it lately, thankfully.  Tonight, we chatted until the boys fell asleep, Katie left to go to bed, and then we chatted some more.  Sat on the porch (I love my porch!), used my bench I found last year while yardsaling with Barb, before "The Fall" and broke it in good and proper...sat there until 2:30 solving the problems of the world.  It's good to have friends like that...the kind that know what you mean, even if it's not what you say. 

I'm staying here tomorrow to work on the house some more...it seems I've done a lot of everything except getting settled while I've been off...but the necessities are coming along nicely, and the rest I'll work on in the evenings as I have time...not gonna stress over it....gonna enjoy it instead.  I've had enough stress lately, doncha think?

Happy Fourth, friends!

This is me...feeling somewhat accomplished.

So, I've tackled this huge and overwhelming process by concentraining on one room at a time as best as I could.  The kitchen's pretty much done, until I get blinds and curtains.  That'll be for another day.  Bathroom...check.  That'll be for another day, too.  I was so excited last night when I went to bed because I got all the boxes and stacks in my bedroom organized, and in some form of a home.  I will rearrange things in drawers and such, but still...organized.  Oh-and I got the bed painted and the boys put it up for me.  Wanna see?

Yup, nice and colorful, mismatched, and mine, all mine.  Color me happy!  (No pun intended.)

And here is my cozy spot:

To the left of the little square table is a window, then my bed.  I have a nice, open space in the middle of my room, and plenty of light...there's another window on the other wall.  My dresser takes up the other wall, sharing it with the closet.  Nothing fancy going on over there, so not really a reason to share a pic of it.  I'm sure after today, all the shelves will be full, and I'll be looking for more room, so I'm trying to be choosy about what I put up and put away.  Love my books. 

Alright...lots to do today.  Electric office.  Water office.  Bedroom at Mark's.  Clean the store.  Class tonight.  Get up and get started tomorrow and do it all over again.  Determined to ready for work on Thursday with a house that is put together, without halfway-unloaded boxes here and there that I don't know what to do with.  All that stuff has to find a home between now and then.  Period.

This is me....persevering....have a happy Monday!

This is me...being mad.

Did you know that "mad" is a lot easier than "sad"?  Such a big difference...and only one letter changed, such a small difference.  I won't go into details, but PiePie made me MAD yesterday.  And I am very thankful; my eyes are raw from all the crying and wiping.  I don't like laying in bed all day as if there were a gigantic magnet keeping me there when my brain knows I need to be up and doing things.  There are a lot of things that I don't like about "sad", but you get the drift.  I'm not saying "mad" is a magical cure.  There are still moments...memories as I unpack the boxes, the stuff, the Valentine's Day card I had on my dresser, the photos, thoughts...and I'm sure there will be more tears in the future here and there.  But for now, I am mad, and it fuels my fire...the one that says I can do anything, that I can succeed no matter what, that says I'm made of tougher stuff than all that crybaby girl that was curled up in a ball in bed and couldn't get out of it...and so for now, I will stay mad.  Mad at him, which I know I have to let go of, but just mad at the situation and the turn that my life has made, the work I will have to do, the unfinished things that I'll never get to finish, just mad. 

The Wonder Woman Abby who can do ANYTHING she puts her mind to is back.  The stubborness that can be both a blessing and a curse?  I'm choosing to use it as a blessing this time...I CAN do this without him; I don't need him.  I have people who take care of me, who help me, who encourage me, who love me and pray for me.  And they always seem to pop into my day at just the right time...they aren't going to stop now!

 I am proud to say that there were no tears yesterday or today.  There was no need to take medicine to breathe like I have been having to do.  The stuff stuck on repeat in my head that I've written about...guess what?  I think the continuous player needs new batteries or something...because it quit playing all those continuous thoughts. 

The forlorn feeling I had when I looked at this house that is not mine went away, and I became determined to Abby-ize it...make it happy and joyful...bright and inviting.  Comfortable and relaxing. After all, it IS what I wished for, many times over. And after yesterday and all the moving of the furniture enabled me to start going through boxes and putting things in the rooms where they belong, on the shelves where they belong, in the closet with they belong.  You get the drift.  Let me just say this:  We worked our tails off yesterday!!!  This house is slowly but surely becoming MY house. I have a great start...we picked up the washer and dryer, but we have to change out the plug for the dryer. We picked up my perfectly ugly couch and chair. I'll show you photos tomorrow. We put sheets on the beds, we moved them, the dressers that go with them...Katie made us supper, and now our home seems "real". Kate stayed all day, and Kevin came to "hang out" with Alexis and Anna came, too. We move boxes, moved them again, and moved them again!

So this is me...being determined.  Determined to make my house a home.  Determined to learn the new job and learn it well.  Determined to have a future.  Determined to succeed.  Determined to smile. Determined to live a happy life.  Determined not to have thoughts that make me sad.  Determined to persevere.  I know I can do it...and I've had a lot of help with that...a lot of support and reminders that I am stubborn and determined and to snap out of it and MAKE this my life.  I can.  I will.  Thank you, friends. 

I will sign off now as I am trying to hold my eyes open...I've had no concept of time.  No job.  Nowhere to go.  I keep asking what day it is, and I don't think I've looked at the time all day.  I was too busy.  But my sleepy eyes are telling me it is BED time. 

I'll give you a bit of a teaser....here is a photo of my house that now has a very used bench on the porch, whose door will be red just any day now...and tomorrow, I'll share some of the inside!